I AM Barabbas; I AM Redeemed

"If it has to choose who will be crucified, the crowd will always save Barabbas" - Jean Cocteau

---------[The Thoughts Of Barabbas After Being Released In Jesus' Stead]



He told me to "never look back"
An empathetic glance
with eyes partially swollen, scabbed lips with traces
of dried blood – patches of hair from his head torn
flanked by Roman soldiers
but with a firm will and a spirit undeterred

"I will dance in pools of your blood when you die"
is what people usually tell men like me
rather, what I used to tell my victims. When you rape a woman
your heart feels heavy like black coal inside your chest-
you lose the ability to experience love
watching men bleed, in some sense, permanently impairs your vision
hencoforth all you see is insanity
molesting children erases your childhood from memory
implanting schizophrenia, paranoia in its place
(and it scares you)
For this, I am a pariah forever. meaningless, purposeless Jew
with a worn and conflicted mind:
abused and abusing
dead and yet killing
hard and engendering hardness all about
haunted and troubled
yearning for the empty cross I see on Calvary
from Pilate's steps
the only sanctuary a man has for a wasted life...

He told me "choose life so that you may live"
Before they took off my shackles
"I came to set the captives free";
Scum I suppose, like me
and I suppose now I can feel my heart begin beating
Tears welling
arms trembling and cold
approaching a crowd as numerous as the sand
inveighing against my demise; paradox
a killer released anxiously back into the arms of his victims
and an Innocent Man left behind
I feel I have to keep on walking, weigh further options
because the cross I once craved is no longer empty
and I think....no longer am I



(Im on Holy Ground now)
(Redemption)

--------------------------------
Jesus Before Pilate / Matthew 27:11-26
Meanwhile Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, "Are you the king of the Jews?" "Yes, it is as you say," Jesus replied. When he was accused by the chief priests and the elders, he gave no answer. Then Pilate asked him, "Don't you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?" But Jesus made no reply, not even to a single charge—to the great amazement of the governor. Now it was the governor's custom at the Feast to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd. At that time they had a notorious prisoner, called Barabbas. So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, "Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?" For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Jesus over to him. While Pilate was sitting on the judge's seat, his wife sent him this message: "Don't have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him." But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Jesus executed. "Which of the two do you want me to release to you?" asked the governor. "Barabbas," they answered. "What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?" Pilate asked. They all answered, "Crucify him!" "Why? What crime has he committed?" asked Pilate. But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!" When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. "I am innocent of this man's blood," he said. "It is your responsibility!" All the people answered, "Let his blood be on us and on our children!" Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.

---------taken from (http://ukrainiac.wordpress.com/category/mercy/)
John Stott writes in his devotional Through the Bible Through the Year about Barabbas, the one who was granted a Passover amnesty…rather than Jesus.

"It is hard to imagine Barabbas’s incredulity when his cell door was flung open and he was called out not to execution but to freedom. He must have stumbled out dumbfounded into the bright sunshine of a spring day. He was not only released but, in a sense, redeemed.

"Perhaps Barabbas also felt (as we do) the anomaly of his position. The one who had given sight to the blind and had laid his hands on little children was to be crucified, while the ruffian who deserved his sentence was to go scot-free. The apostle Peter referred to this topsy-turvy situation in the second sermon he preached to the crowd in Jerusalem. They had killed the author of life, he said, while asking for a murderer to be released for them (Acts 3:14-15).

"Christians see in the story of Barabbas more than an anomaly; we also see a parable of our redemption. For each of us resembles Barabbas. Like him we deserve death. But like him we have escaped death because Jesus died in our place. If curiosity drew Barabbas to Calvary (though this is purely speculative), perhaps he watched Jesus dying and said to himself, 'He is dying in my place.' Perhaps the sight even touched, softened and redeemed him.'

For whatever reason, I had never really given much thought to Barabbas — other than the fact that an undeserving man had been placed back on the streets again. When I think about the events of that day and put myself in the picture...well, it’s usually as a spectator from afar. I like to think of myself as someone who might have been a follower of Jesus even then.

I certainly never think of myself as Barabbas. Deserving to die and yet redeemed by the blood of Jesus. It's not a pleasant thought to think that within ME is that same potential...

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for paying the price. For being the perfect sacrifice. Dying so that I might live.

Truly amazing.

Mary, Clothed With The Sun....The Moon Under Her Feet

+
*dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, my Mother, my Friend, my Queen
*dedicated to Jennifer, the girl I am destined to never obtain but cannot cease thinking about

------The Thoughts Of Mary, Clothed With The Sun....The Moon Under Her Feet




You begin your life with thoughts of grandeur
but recant and reconsider in the chilling stare of poverty’s wrinkled face;
(grotesque)
dust clouds settling
on your bed mice scurrying
contentment, quiet and solitude – your lot and resignation
alongside hoping to age well
and marry well
and raise your precious children teaching them freedom’s path
from the vile clutch of travails
plaguing you in Galilee
garnering for them a better life with fingers
weary from carrying remorse
wiping tears...

Angels and Blessings, visitations
and messages from above
change everything --- make all things new
and me, for all generations.
And now these dreams cannot be contained, not in the Inn
for which there is no vacancy nor the manger
in which we slept. Cows, and sheep, goats and stray dogs
cowering in my presence now
insoluble light radiating
a heart pondering all these things
a girl wondering
where her normal life went

There are times in life when you close your eyes
just to take everything in
a sigh is the consummate act in which reality sinks
penetrates
saturating the senses until your eyelids open
you see the moon under your feet,
a crown with twelve stars about your head
illuminating heaven
and you laugh
even amidst red dragons, (having seven heads and ten horns)
that salivate for your demise spewing catastrophe
like floods
because you know where you came from
the squalid conditions, and crippled esteem to which you shall never return
because you know when a woman submits to the Lord
it is like the wings of a great eagle
rescuing her


(....transforming
....glorious)





------------------- Revelation Chapter 12------
And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars: And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered. And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born. And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne. And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days. And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. And when the dragon saw that he was cast unto the earth, he persecuted the woman which brought forth the man child. And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent. And the serpent cast out of his mouth water as a flood after the woman, that he might cause her to be carried away of the flood. And the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth. And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ.

---------Banquet of the Ten Virgins (Methodius) > Discourse 8Now, then, O Virgins, daughters of undefiled temperance, let us strive for a life of blessedness and the kingdom of heaven. And do ye unite with those before you in an earnest desire for the same glory of chastity, caring little for the things of this life. For immortality and chastity do not contribute a little to happiness, raising up the flesh aloft, and drying up its moisture and its clay-like weight, by a greater force of attraction. And let not the uncleanness which you hear creep in and weigh you down to the earth; nor let sorrow transform your joy, melting away your hopes in better things; but shake off incessantly the calamities which come upon you, not defiling your mind with lamentations. Let faith conquer wholly, and let its light drive away the visions of evil which crowd around the heart. For, as when the moon brightly shining fills the heaven with its light, and all the air becomes clear, but suddenly the clouds from the west, enviously rushing in, for a little while overshadow its light, but do not destroy it, since they are immediately driven away by a blast of the wind; so ye also, when causing the light of chastity to shine in the world, although pressed upon by afflictions and labours, do not grow weary and abandon your hopes. For the clouds which come from the Evil One are driven away by the Spirit, if you, like your Mother, who gives birth to the male Virgin in heaven, fear nothing the serpent that lies in wait and plots against you; concerning whom I intend to discourse to you more plainly; for it is now time.

John, in the course of the Apocalypse, says: Revelation 12:1-6 And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars: and she, being with child, cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered. And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born. And she brought forth a man-child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to His throne. And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she has a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days. So far we have given, in brief, the history of the woman and the dragon. But to search out and explain the solution of them is beyond my powers. Nevertheless, let me venture, trusting in Him who commanded to search the Scriptures. John 5:39 If, then, you agree with this, it will not be difficult to undertake it; for you will quite pardon me, if I am unable sufficiently to explain the exact meaning of the Scripture.

The woman who appeared in heaven clothed with the sun, and crowned with twelve stars, and having the moon for her footstool, and being with child, and travailing in birth, is certainly, according to the accurate interpretation, our mother, O virgins, being a power by herself distinct from her children; whom the prophets, according to the aspect of their subjects, have called sometimes Jerusalem, sometimes a Bride, sometimes Mount Zion, and sometimes the Temple and Tabernacle of God. For she is the power which is desired to give light in the prophet, the Spirit crying to her: Isaiah 60:1-4 Arise, shine; for your light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon you, and His glory shall be seen upon you. And the Gentiles shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising. Lift up your eyes round about, and see; all they gather themselves together, they come to you: your sons shall come from far, and your daughters shall be nursed at your side. It is the Church whose children shall come to her with all speed after the resurrection, running to her from all quarters. She rejoices receiving the light which never goes down, and clothed with the brightness of the Word as with a robe. For with what other more precious or honourable ornament was it becoming that the queen should be adorned, to be led as a Bride to the Lord, when she had received a garment of light, and therefore was called by the Father? Come, then, let us go forward in our discourse, and look upon this marvelous woman as upon virgins prepared for a marriage, pure and undefiled, perfect and radiating a permanent beauty, wanting nothing of the brightness of light; and instead of a dress, clothed with light itself; and instead of precious stones, her head adorned with shining stars. For instead of the clothing which we have, she had light; and for gold and brilliant stones, she had stars; but stars not such as those which are set in the invisible heaven, but better and more resplendent, so that those may rather be considered as their images and likenesses.

I Would Rather Fall on My Sword Than Abdandon Gwen

"What have you done?" asked Samuel.
-----[Gwen Stefani, Life Without You is a Battlefield of Philistines]------


Chariots, Charioteers and Soldiers mounting:
(as numerous as sand on the seashore)
is me without you, a morning without staring at your face
sleeping
I love you Gwen
Micmash was my haven, deep in my heart
for us to dwell, a place where I gathered hope and jubilee
by the thousands like men of Israel gather
a bulwark
against any obstacle of love that came our way
attempting to decimate our affinity
our bond
our amor
(never defeated)

Yet, the Philistine army is doubt I have always harbored
about us ever getting married, or even starting a family
and they assemble before hope and jubilee
making them flee
"what if you don't love me?" is Gad
"what if you don't need me?" is Gilead
there they go, nothing remaining behind
except widespread fear
panic
burnt offerings and fellowship offerings
and hasty decisions
to leave you and forge a new life
with more certainty

You told me to wait seven days for you
I would have waited nine
You told me to keep the pillow next to me warm
I slept across the entire bed
but the tears – and nightmares of you leaving me
are haunting
I worry too much about you, and that is where my love bled
...on Mount Gilboa
My armor bearer is my conscience
reeling
your absence, my malfeasance is too much to bear
I divorced you, and you didn’t even know
but I cant let doubt and remorse abuse me
My sword is my retaliation for all my wrongs
Gwen, I deserve death as a consequence for what Ive done
as does my conscience


(my memory is my sons – let death take them with me)




---------------------------------------
1 Samuel 13: 11-14"What have you done?" asked Samuel. Saul replied, "When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash, I thought, 'Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD's favor.' So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering." "You acted foolishly," Samuel said. "You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command."

1 Samuel 31:1-6
Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell slain on Mount Gilboa. The Philistines pressed hard after Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua. The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically. Saul said to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me." But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him. So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together that same day.

Jennifer....

JENNIFER, BABY....GOD I WANT YOU SO BAD. IT SUCKS TO REALIZE I HAVE TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU....

....And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful to behold. So David sent and inquired about the woman...
------------------[Jennifer....Uriah Was My Love For You]


You are death and destruction
obliteration, desolation
I was innocent as a ceremonial washing
hopeful on a rooftop...away from prying eyes, in the solitude of my own wistful thinking
before you seized me
and brought me into the chambers of your
royally
addictive
love
trembling in your presence, wandering in your green eyes
falling in love

Our future together was Uriah
on the battlefield chasing prosperity/
our life together. Me kissing you (running my fingers down your scalp)
I thought Ammon was his deadliest foe, blood soaking the grass
their spears impaling Jews beside him but
it wasn't in Rabbah, it was you in Jerusalem
sitting on your throne plotting his demise
the brief times we befriended each other felt like
being summoned home, but he couldn't rest
the battle to marry you was still being waged
and he couldn't sleep, knowing you still weren't mine
he would rather gaze at the moon
Holding stars in his hands
And sleep outside on the cold ground

Jennifer,
yet that wasn't enough to please you
you held me in your arms, told me to bathe and let me go
you took our future together and killed it
by rejecting me with the cruel sword of Ammonites
besides death, besides the tears
unbearable
my heart was pregnant with dreams, with wedding pictures
...and I think, I just had a miscarriage


.....selah....



-------------------------
2 Samuel 12: 1-14 (NKJV)
Then the LORD sent Nathan to David. And he came to him, and said to him: "There were two men in one city, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had exceedingly many flocks and herds. But the poor man had nothing, except one little ewe lamb which he had bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and with his children. It ate of his own food and drank from his own cup and lay in his bosom; and it was like a daughter to him. And a traveler came to the rich man, who refused to take from his own flock and from his own herd to prepare one for the wayfaring man who had come to him; but he took the poor man's lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him." So David's anger was greatly aroused against the man, and he said to Nathan, "As the LORD lives, the man who has done this shall surely die! And he shall restore fourfold for the lamb, because he did this thing and because he had no pity." Then Nathan said to David, "You are the man! Thus says the LORD God of Israel: 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave you your master’s house and your master's wives into your keeping, and gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if that had been too little, I also would have given you much more! Why have you despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in His sight? You have killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword; you have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the people of Ammon. Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me, and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.' Thus says the LORD: 'Behold, I will raise up adversity against you from your own house; and I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this sun. For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, before the sun.'" So David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." And Nathan said to David, "The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die. However, because by this deed you have given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also who is born to you shall surely die." Then Nathan departed to his house.

Jennifer, they call this our tragedy (our 1 year anniversary)

* dedicated to Alesana "And They Call This Tragedy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scrpqC0TIC4


Secrets in the Confessional Booth.
Now, some of you may object to me divulging certain choice private matters that transpire inside the confessional booth between priest and lay person. However in my humble view, I think it wise to shed some light on the inner workings of this valuable sacrament, so perhaps some can appreciate the need for it in the Catholic church.

Anyhow, I went one Sunday to the confessional, my heart rife with exciting thoughts of Jennifer. You see, at that time she had a vise grip on me that is very difficult to articulate; suffice it to say she was on my mind constantly. I made all of this known to the priest and some other personal matters relating to Jennifer that I had issue with, which out of respect for her privacy I can not share here. And herein lies the crux of the matter. The priest told me - "perhaps God has given you these feelings for Jennifer.." as he then went on to explain some other things in fuller details.

I have not forgotten what he told me, even to this day about one year later. Now look, I know she is probably engaged or married to some other guy she told me about, (in another context which again, I can not share here) but I guess the reason I have an urge to write a poem about her again after all these months is that she still has this lingering yet deeply profound effect on me.
Its been about a year - Im not saying Im still hung up on her, because I am still actively looking for a woman to be with - and I feel perhaps she changed me for the better. The pain of her rejection is what drives me to improve, it is a thorn in my flesh that keeps me humble and governs my pride. She is the reason I have long hair now, whereas before she hurt me I kept it short. She made me cry after about 6 years of not crying. Even from afar, as Im typing this, she still reminds me that perhaps the beauty in certain women is not for the taking...just for admiring and respecting.

Jennifer, wherever you are I want you to know I admire you and what you have done for me, even if we didnt really get to know each other at any great lengths. You are my proxy strength, the girl who gives me the power I need when I dont have any left.

Thank you.



//////////////////////////
they said to one another, “Come, let us make bricks and bake them thoroughly
--------[Jennifer, lets build a tower touching the stars -together]




Our e-mails were one language and one speech;
intrigue
when we had lunch, it was a plain
in Shinar
...everytime I looked at you my heart said secretly
"ambition"
"with her you can do anything"
just to know you was upheaval - a journey from west to east
shifting paradigms like shifting sands on my feet
walking in the hot sun
oblivious to the searing heat and cloudless skies
love was a lifeless stone that at once began moving
in my hands
with my unadulterated happiness as asphalt for mortar
holding everything together
before that I was cynical fearing the scattering of dreams

Jennifer, you are probably the most beautiful girl I have ever known
my desire for you
was a tower whose tip furrowed into heaven
making me unstoppable

I imagined us married and walking down aisles made of
silver
your diamonds, encased in gold boxes

When you rejected me
it was if the sky changed black
(fierce winds blew)
and stone after stone came down tumbling
my hopes
my joys
my security
my tears were scattered like my dreams
and I stopped building
and I stopped caring
I no longer understood
your speech or your language
we both started babbling
and ran off without looking back



(AND IVE NEVER STOPPED MISSING YOU SINCE)



--------------------------------
[Genesis 11:1-9 NKJV]
The Tower of Babel
Now the whole earth had one language and one speech. And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar, and they dwelt there. Then they said to one another, “Come, let us make bricks and bake them thoroughly.” They had brick for stone, and they had asphalt for mortar. And they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower whose top is in the heavens; let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be scattered abroad over the face of the whole earth.” But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower which the sons of men had built. And the LORD said, “Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them. Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.” So the LORD scattered them abroad from there over the face of all the earth, and they ceased building the city. Therefore its name is called Babel, because there the LORD confused the language of all the earth; and from there the LORD scattered them abroad over the face of all the earth.

[Letters of St. Jerome --- Letter 22 To Eustochium]
You must never let suggestions of evil grow on you, or a babel of disorder win strength in your breast. Slay the enemy while he is small; and, that you may not have a crop of tares, nip the evil in the bud. Bear in mind the warning words of the Psalmist: Hapless daughter of Babylon, happy shall he be that rewards you as you have served us. Happy shall he be that takes and dashes your little ones against the stones. Because natural heat inevitably kindles in a man sensual passion, he is praised and accounted happy who, when foul suggestions arise in his mind, gives them no quarter, but dashes them instantly against the rock. Now the Rock is Christ. 1 Corinthians 10:4

Leighton Meester is my Yahweh on the Mount

When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him....
----------------------- Leighton Meester, You are My Yahweh on Sinai --------



Leighton,
You are like thunder and your voice like thick clouds
and your beauty like gentle rains
cleansing my skin, your lips are the thinning air
dizzying my mind. Like the refulgent sun or the luminous moon
as the clouds part nightly (and I pray at your feet)
is your hair – so lustrous
my love for you is concrete like two stone tablets
cut by my people but carried, strenuously, by me
just to be with you, and know what things please you most
to know exactly how you want me to order my life...
and I would journey afar
just to be near you – and I would wait (even just for a whisper)
40 days without food and 40 nights without drink
With no other NAME on my tongue
than yours
and I wouldn't sleep

My love for you is Sinai
a holy mountain, a place for sins refrain
transformation
no sandals on my feet
worshipping, singing, crying, laughing, jumping
full of elation
a declaration of independence
from all things I once knew
and your eyes ...
are weightier than your fingers composing.
...a tablet in my left and right arms...
your glance imbues life to my entire being
radiating from my heart within
deep

I know things will never be the same
My desire burning for you makes me so happy
that it scares those around me
I can barely contain myself
even if they put
My face behind a veil
beaming





--------------
The Radiant Face of Moses (Exodus 34:29-35)
When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai. When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.

Therasius, if you will exhibit the same manner of life as his, and then you shall receive him back again no longer in that corporeal beauty which he had when he departed, but in lustre of another kind, and splendour outshining the rays of the sun. For this body, even if it reaches a very high standard of beauty is nevertheless perishable; but the bodies of those who have been well pleasing to God, will be invested with such glory as these eyes cannot even look upon. And God has furnished us with certain tokens, and obscure indications of these things both in the Old and in the New Dispensation. For in the former the face of Moses shone with such glory as to be intolerable to the eyes of the Israelites, and in the New the face of Christ shone far more brilliantly than his. For tell me if any one had promised to make your husband king of all the earth, and then had commanded you to withdraw for twenty years on his account, and had promised after that to restore him to you with the diadem and the purple, and to place you again in the same rank with him, would you not have meekly endured the separation with due self-control? Would you not have been well pleased with the gift, and deemed it a thing worth praying for? Well then submit to this now, not for the sake of a kingdom on earth, but of a kingdom in Heaven; not to receive him back clad in a vesture of gold but robed in immortality and glory such as is fitting for them to have who dwell in Heaven.
-(St. John Chrysostom) - Letter to a Young Widow

If

-------There Is No Son of God (Satan's oration to Jesus in the wilderness on the 40th night)





Emptiness....
as you peer out onto this vast plain
void and darkness (tonight)
like before this Ordeal began
chaos mitigated by tractable bodies of water
the Spirit hovers
the Spirit hovers
and blows; lodging sand in your hair
while you lay your head on
craggy stones letting your mind venture forth
...vistas of endless possibilities
this is the Life you created
"anywhere but here" you say
as the tumbleweeds roll over your leg

Circling ravens obstruct your view of stars
wearying your mind, worries
of safety and malnourishment
Youre thirsty
Youre hungry
and beginning to despair, the ravens
wont bring bread
wont bring meat (1 Kings 17)
crawling on hands and knees
for 40 days and nights forsaken
Left by God out here alone
hope
dying

an identity crisis revealed:
discovery means reaching your hands
for meaning - but just extend your finger
for immediacy. turn these rocks to soft bread
for vigor
then follow me to the temples apex
and jump into the freedom youve been longing for
lest in 10 years life finds you wandering
aimlessly
into a glorious kingdom not yours
a land foreign and a home unknown
fending off your prevailing sense of nothingness
disillusioned
since they day your were born
acting
like the Son of God






--------------
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry. Now when the tempter came to Him, he said, "If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread."
But He answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.'" Then the devil took Him up into the holy city, set Him on the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, "If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down. For it is written:

'He shall give His angels charge over you,'

and,

'In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.'"

Jesus said to him, "It is written again, 'You shall not tempt the LORD your God.'" Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to Him, "All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me." Then Jesus said to him, "Away with you, Satan! For it is written, 'You shall worship the LORD your God, and Him only you shall serve.'" Then the devil left Him, and behold, angels came and ministered to Him.


----<
Thomas Aquinas - Summa Theologica: Question 41. Christ's temptation

Reply to Objection 1. To make use of what is needful for self-support is not the sin of gluttony; but if a man do anything inordinate out of the desire for such support, it can pertain to the sin of gluttony. Now it is inordinate for a man who has human assistance at his command to seek to obtain food miraculously for mere bodily support. Hence the Lord miraculously provided the children of Israel with manna in the desert, where there was no means of obtaining food otherwise. And in like fashion Christ miraculously provided the crowds with food in the desert, when there was no other means of getting food. But in order to assuage His hunger, He could have done otherwise than work a miracle, as did John the Baptist, according to Matthew (3:4); or He could have hastened to the neighboring country. Consequently the devil esteemed that if Christ was a mere man, He would fall into sin by attempting to assuage His hunger by a miracle.

....And Christ resisted these temptations by quoting the authority of the Law, not by enforcing His power, "so as to give more honor to His human nature and a greater punishment to His adversary, since the foe of the human race was vanquished, not as by God, but as by man"; as Pope Leo says (Serm. 1, De Quadrag. 3).

On The Cusp of Something Big...

-
Dedicated to Augustana - Wasteland
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvY6yU5sK_E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl94FSUxGlU

---------On The Cusp of Something Big/ The Full Moon Rises (The Thoughts of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane)




Last night I was in a dream
by frigid winds surrounded
and
standing atop a precipice staring
at crashing waves below
howling wolves, screeching owls, bellowing oxen
pierced my ears
my heart weighed by deep sorrow wrenching
and pulling
...tears pouring. I closed my eyes as the wind
tipped me over

But my sleep was stirred by the warmth of the sun
and I woke up next to Peter
fast asleep
the day of Unleavened Bread, a meal prepared
wine and quiet
hymns and bonding and my soul laid bare before my disciples
wide smiles, hands draped over shoulders
John laying on my chest
eat my flesh for it is your bread
drink my blood for it is your wine
Peace
Happiness
our time together - this night
Our last

Because now my Betrayer is at hand
(I hear the latches of Hades' gates slowly opening)
it is a Cup
I wish not to drink
I feel the cold shackles of Death fastening on my wrists
and the stress is killing me....
Im so tired Im so scared Im so angry Im so downcast
my mind flashes back to the wedding at Cana
imagery with which my Fathers Angel consoles
yet it is not my Will
but my drops of blood (from my forehead)
into that Cup falling
nails prepared, hammered into my hands screaming
-the worlds salvation-
That Will be done


(God, Father, please dont let me Fall)


-----------------------
Luke 22:43-45-
Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. When He rose up from prayer, and had come to His disciples, He found them sleeping from sorrow.

John Chrysostom, Homily 83 on Matthew-
And He prays with earnestness, in order that the thing might not seem to be acting. And sweats flow over him for the same cause again, even that the heretics might not say this, that He acts the agony. Therefore there is a sweat like drops of blood, and an angel appeared strengthening Him, and a thousand sure signs of fear, lest any one should affirm the words to be feigned. For this cause also was this prayer. By saying then, If it be possible, let it pass from me, He showed His humanity; but by saying, Nevertheless not as I will, but as You will, He showed His virtue and self-command, teaching us even when nature pulls us back, to follow God. For since it was not enough for the foolish to show His face only, He uses words also. Again, words sufficed not alone, but deeds likewise were needed; these also He joins with the words, that even they who are in a high degree contentious may believe, that He both became man and died. For if, even when these things are so, this be still disbelieved by some, much more, if these had not been. See by how many things He shows the reality of the incarnation: by what He speaks, by what He suffers. -

Thoughts After Driving Home from Georgetown

Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations...Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom....Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days [Psalm 90]



-------------[To Whom It May Concern - Jesus Is The Best]
*Dedicated to Underoath - To Whom It May Concern*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hX5S7JfEi0
---10:30PM November 2, 2008---



I respect You
because You see me for who I am.....

Not for feats in the past
good or evil
not for notables I'll achieve
or what Im becoming, have yet to become, or have been

in my eyes, or the eyes of those around me
not for words said in anguish, haste, hate or passion
but because
every night You watch me (Proverbs 15:3)
and love me
when I'm all alone
and want to cry because at times I feel spurned
worthless
unwanted
ugly

And it permeates my entire being
so in my subconscious mind I have this
peace, preternatural
and I know this moment that the pangs
You endured for me
whips and spitting, jeering and mocking
bleeding and sighing, alienation and abandonment (Psalm 22)
can not be washed clean like Pilate's stained hands
never forgotten
because when I sleep

You remain

and when I sin

You remain

and when I pray for a wife

You remain

and when friends ditch me

You remain

and when people judge me

You remain

Its 10:49pm...and I can already hear the Spirit
telling me what poems to write next
and to pray the Rosary
to spend times with Him in quiet
and which books of the Bible to read next
and I feel like Im part of a team or something
that Im never alone or something

and this Voice inside my head never stops
and this Love I feel













----------------------

Jesus, I believe You are the Son of God sent for the redemption of fallen mankind I believe You died for my sins and on the third day walked away from death freely
I believe You are Lord and Savior
In You, Love and dreams never die.
-One [10:54pm - November 2, 2008]

-----------------------------

To the Girl At the Rockville Target: I AM IN A WHALE OF TROUBLE W/O YOU, BABY

------------------------------------------------
Okay Okay so some of my many detractors are probably frothing at the mouth and whining something like this: "why does he keep writing about girls? Why does he keep worshipping women in his poems? Why do his poems ABSOLUTELY SUCK??" "Write something more substantive Mr. Tony Baloney!!! (I wish youd stop writing and just drop dead! D-E-D dead)"

I got you dawg, I GOT YOU! Don’t worry; thejesusmetaphor got platinum substantive hits coming to a blog near you real soon! Im just doing what I do for the ladies so you know I gots luv 4 u 2! Feelz me? For some reason Im just obsessed with falling in love right about now!

But first let me describe this honey dip I saw at the Target check-out line in Rockville last night: (honey dip means cute girl, if you didn’t already know) She had this black, Picasso painters hat or something akin to that on…she had black hair and a nose piercing. She had a black jacket, black leggings and black boots. And she had these ambient dazzling blue eyes. She was kind of short maybe about 5’3. And I swear I fell in love at first sight. (Too bad I was too chicken to say anything to her. Maybe it was my heart racing too fast that stymied my attempt to speak. I AM NOT AFRAID OF GIRLS! I SWEAR!!!)

She reminded me of Jonah and the Whale!!!! Check me out --->





------------------------------------------------------

"You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me."----------------------[To the girl at Target. I love you, I need you. Im in a whale's stomach without you!!!./ The Plight of Jonah]--------------------






For Tarshish (Target). I was departing
on a calm sea still
a gentle breeze, a gentle caress of my face...
that was
before you came into my life

Sleeping
getting used to
waking with a vacant pillow by my side

But when
I stared into your blue eyes
the captain woke me
it rocked my boat like a torrential great wind
it turned the sky black as your hair
my heart beating like a violent storm
my conscience screaming "Get up and call on your god!"
your face is so pretty...
my knees got so weak in your presence I implored
my God not to let me "perish"

Not being your husband feels like
being tossed overboard according to chance
(by men casting lots)
helpless and suffocating seaweed
on my head
PLEASE LOVE ME THIS LONELINESS IS LIKE A GREAT FISH
swallowing me
thin air in his stomach gasping for breath
my life is "ebbing away"

Adore me, hold me, kiss me
Bring my life up from the pit – and let despair vomit me
In 3 days let me sing a song of thanksgiving
for our love
[in Ninevah]







(Amazingly cute girl at the Rockville Target)


(I wish I could kiss your nose piercing! So coooooool!)







---------------------------------------
Jonah 2
Jonah's Prayer

1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
"In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
3 You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
4 I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
5 The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.
7 "When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
8 "Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD."
10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

REALtalk (Session 1)

Yo whats up party people?

(Whats up Joe the Plumber...MY MAN...you should holla at me so we can do some poems together! Use your 250K to put me in Time Magazine or summin!!! YES WE CAN. Then I can hook up with Megan Fox and we can make beautiful babies together!!!.....oops...TMI Joe, TMI. My bad)


Just a few thoughts swirling around my brain this Sunday afternoon preceding the Redskins/Browns football game, during which time Jason Campbell should throw for approximately 400 yards passing en route to victory! HAIL TO THE REDSKINS HAIL TO THE REDSKINS HAIL TO THE REDSKINS

ahem


On Life:

Like David said: I have been young and I have been old.

After 27 years in this world I am really beginning to whole heartedly believe what they taught me at Towson: That your existence precedes your essence. I dont mean to exaggerate this and claim we are not imbued with the image of our Creator or with a sense of morality.

No,

What I mean to say is that as a person on this earth, especially in these chaotic times one has to make a conscious effort to continually define himself. I like what Joel Osteen preaches when he exorts us to think positive thoughts. If you harbor negativity or pessimism in your heart then the Bible says "a man reaps what he sows" and that "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

Do you know how many times I have fallen prey to peoples expectations or appraisals of me? Even my pastors? And how often it made me upset?

Tony is hopeless
Tony is a bit*h
Tony is crazy
Tony is a bad influence
Tony has fallen away from the faith
Tony needs help he is unstable
Tony is conceited
Tony looks like an alien
etc
etc
etc

In my life - Ive had people try to turn me gay, people insinuate (verbally) that I must be gay because I havent had a girlfriend for the past 9 years, people tell me to stop writing poetry, people tell me I am not their type - that I dont measure up to their standards. Ive had girls roll their eyes at me for no reason other than disdain. Ive had girlfriends cheat on me in school when I doted on them liberally. Ive had guys roll their eyes at me for no discernable reason, dating back to middle school (one time a guy just punched me in the chest as he walked past me on his way to class - FOR NO REASON)

I used to take these issues to heart and believe that I was entirely culpable. I thought everyone else was right and I was wrong and that I really was a bad person. That I was lame, soft, a punk and that everyone else in the world could beat me up and wanted to do so. I had low self-esteem for a long time, and thought happiness was on the otherside of the moon.

But then I looked to the scriptures and saw how Jesus never waivered in his convictions and self-awareness. In John 8:49 Jesus tells the Jews "I do not have a demon" after they had launched a hailstorm of attacks on his character and continually accused him of being demon possessed. Jesus knew he did not have a demon and no one could tell him otherwise. He knew he would do big things in life too: He told his disciples "You will see the son of man coming on the clouds in power and glory" Matthew 24:30

Similarly I have had to remind myself that I am a child of God created in His image and that God has chosen me before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4) for good works. So listen, it is my job to combat to every negative thought (2 Corinthians 10:5) and keep my head held high.

I refuse to let anyone tell me anything that doesnt honor my personhood in the Lord.

So what I want to say (and every morning henceforth) is:

I AM a good poet and I will have a great measure of success with this blog. I will be famous because of it

I AM NOT gay because I am not dating a girl right now.

I HAVE NOT fallen away from my faith in Jesus just because I have a different relationship with Him than others do.

I AM NOT hopeless, unstable, or crazy or a bit*h

I AM the best in this generation at what I do, and no one can do what I do better than me

I AM going to be wildly successful in this life and I do have many friends who love me just the way I am. Heck, I will be a celebrity one day, just wait and see!

You cant stop me, even if you tried

I DO HAVE SWAGGER - in Jesus Christ the Lord


ME AND JESUS - DO YOU HAVE SWAGGA LIKE US???

This is my essence. What is yours?

Dont let someone tell you that youre worthless, because in the end it its your choice in the Lord baby!


HAIL TO THE REDSKINS HAIL TO THE REDSKINS

Megan Fox is Like Lambs Blood Baby! So Sexay!!!

"This is how you are to eat it: with your cloak tucked into your belt, your sandals on your feet and your staff in your hand. Eat it in haste; it is the LORD's Passover."
-----------[Megan, you are beautiful, like sacrificial lamb]



Megan,
Tonight I must eat meat roasted over the fire
in haste
sandals on my feet and my staff in hand
bitter herb seasoning and bread with no yeast
and fear
and trembling
Holding the hand of my mother, wiping her tears
trying to drown out the the voice of the slaughtered lamb agonizing
...with thoughts of a better place
a land flowing with milk, succulent honey dripping from honeycombs
no more whips
the flesh on my back rejuvenating in cool streams away from here.
No more chains and grating commands
from slavemasters impervious to sympathy
(indifferent to human suffering)

Because the Angel of the Lord is loneliness
baby,
and it is passing through Egypt! Through the land
of my thirst and groaning- love seeking; Begging women
please stop doling out pain to my heart like lashes,
making my whole body shake and spasm
(Their rejection of me is like a cat of nine tails)
Slave masters! Slave drivers!
Who could care less if I died tomorrow buried in sand by dry wind....
But Megan, you are my safeguard
and my passage to a paradise of my grandiose expectations
like a shield

Give me your hand in marriage...please
and save my dreams of love like a firstborn
while loneliness strikes everyone else’s son
and you will be my commemoration for generations to come.
Your dark hair, your gorgeous face
is like sacrificial blood brushed on the doorposts of my soul...
(please deign to come be with me, even though I am unworthy of you)
Saving me from certain death
From being alone forever




(I could use a girl like you on my team, babygirl)
(I love you guuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrllllll)




--------------------------------
Exodus 12 (NIV)
The Passover
1 The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in Egypt, 2 "This month is to be for you the first month, the first month of your year. 3 Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb [a] for his family, one for each household. 4 If any household is too small for a whole lamb, they must share one with their nearest neighbor, having taken into account the number of people there are. You are to determine the amount of lamb needed in accordance with what each person will eat. 5 The animals you choose must be year-old males without defect, and you may take them from the sheep or the goats. 6 Take care of them until the fourteenth day of the month, when all the people of the community of Israel must slaughter them at twilight. 7 Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the lambs. 8 That same night they are to eat the meat roasted over the fire, along with bitter herbs, and bread made without yeast. 9 Do not eat the meat raw or cooked in water, but roast it over the fire—head, legs and inner parts. 10 Do not leave any of it till morning; if some is left till morning, you must burn it. 11 This is how you are to eat it: with your cloak tucked into your belt, your sandals on your feet and your staff in your hand. Eat it in haste; it is the LORD's Passover.
12 "On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn—both men and animals—and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD. 13 The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt.

14 "This is a day you are to commemorate; for the generations to come you shall celebrate it as a festival to the LORD -a lasting ordinance. 15 For seven days you are to eat bread made without yeast. On the first day remove the yeast from your houses, for whoever eats anything with yeast in it from the first day through the seventh must be cut off from Israel. 16 On the first day hold a sacred assembly, and another one on the seventh day. Do no work at all on these days, except to prepare food for everyone to eat—that is all you may do.

17 "Celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread, because it was on this very day that I brought your divisions out of Egypt. Celebrate this day as a lasting ordinance for the generations to come. 18 In the first month you are to eat bread made without yeast, from the evening of the fourteenth day until the evening of the twenty-first day. 19 For seven days no yeast is to be found in your houses. And whoever eats anything with yeast in it must be cut off from the community of Israel, whether he is an alien or native-born. 20 Eat nothing made with yeast. Wherever you live, you must eat unleavened bread."

21 Then Moses summoned all the elders of Israel and said to them, "Go at once and select the animals for your families and slaughter the Passover lamb. 22 Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it into the blood in the basin and put some of the blood on the top and on both sides of the doorframe. Not one of you shall go out the door of his house until morning. 23 When the LORD goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, he will see the blood on the top and sides of the doorframe and will pass over that doorway, and he will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down.

24 "Obey these instructions as a lasting ordinance for you and your descendants. 25 When you enter the land that the LORD will give you as he promised, observe this ceremony. 26 And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' 27 then tell them, 'It is the Passover sacrifice to the LORD, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' " Then the people bowed down and worshiped. 28 The Israelites did just what the LORD commanded Moses and Aaron.

29 At midnight the LORD struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the firstborn of all the livestock as well. 30 Pharaoh and all his officials and all the Egyptians got up during the night, and there was loud wailing in Egypt, for there was not a house without someone dead.

How can you call Jesus - "My Nig"?. Thats Just Wrong thats Just Offensive!!

Let me clear the air. Perhaps my choice of words pertaining to Jesus offends you? Well if it does, read up:



I can, and will call Jesus whatever I want to call Him. About 2000 years ago His Blood soaked a wooden cross so the veil between me and God could be rent in two. The Bible says I should approach God's throne of Grace Boldly because of what Jesus has done for me on Calvary. That means I can diddy bop up into the throne room of God and give all the angels a pound and be like "WHATS UP PEOPLES!!! LETS PARTY LIKE ROCK STARS UP IN THIS PIECE!!!" See if I dont 1-2 step with Mary, the Mother of God when I get up there!!!

So yeah, Im going to be bold and Im going to be free and Im going to have fun with Jesus just to show the world His Death wasnt in vain. If you dont like me calling Jesus "My Nig" then take it up with Jesus and I assure you the Holy Spirit will reveal to you I do not stand condemned before my God. (Guess what? While you clench your jaw at me, Im laughing at your immaturity in Christ.)

Jesus Christ is my friend. There were dark hours in my life where you never were, and you probably would never come if you had the chance, but that Jesus dared enter and shined His Light. Jesus Christ has rescued my life many times, you havent. JESUS CHRIST PREVENTED A MAN FROM CARJACKING ME IN BROAD DAYLIGHT...IF LEFT TO YOUR DEVICES I WOULD HAVE TO FILE A POLICE REPORT BECAUSE YOU DONT HAVE THE GUTS TO STAND UP FOR ME LIKE JESUS DID, BOY.

So if you have a problem with the way I address the Only Man that ever meant anything to me in my life - then tough. Im going to keep addressing Jesus in whatever way I feel like and you will just have to deal with it. My Nig is a term of endearment.

People have been hating on me all my life, you think Im going to let you stop me? You think Jesus brought me this far for a jealous mortal man to discourage me from proclaiming my love and intimacy for him before the whole world?

If you want me to stop resting in the fact that I am a joint heir to the Kingdom of God with my Nig Jesus Christ then that will be one desire you never have granted this side of heaven.

Keep it moving, because I WILL NEVER STOP. I WILL PROCLAIM JESUS CHRIST AS MY FRIEND UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING.

Now go and hate on me some more and let it consume the rest of your day, you lames!

AND IM GONNA KEEP HAVING SEX WITH YAHWEH!!! HA!!!!!

DIDNT GOD SAY WE SHOULD LOVE HIM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS AND MINDS AND SOULS??? ISNT THAT PRETTY MUCH LIKE SEX??? ISNT IT CALLED HOLY MATRIMONY BECAUSE SEX BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE IS HOLY????

...maaaannnneeee Get behind me Satan!!!

A Letter to My Future Wife (10-08-08)

Jesus: Tony, you are a man now. Show them how a man treats a woman. Show them how you will treat My daughter when I give her to you.

Tony: No diggity, no doubt my nig. You know this has been a long time coming...I can feel her getting closer. Make me worthy of her hand, Lord. Make me worthy of Your Hand, Lord.

Jesus: No doubt. Proceed....





///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
To my future wife (whoever you are): I have been waiting for you enduringly. Ive been praying, griping, groaning for your presence the majority of my life, it seems. Now I just want to write to you as the day is dawning and the night of my pensiveness comes to and end. I distinctly remember the other day praying to God rather poignantly, saying "I realize now I don't want a woman anymore...I need a woman in my life." Beforehand maybe I was driven by fleeting lust for sex or companionship, but now I have reckoned with the deficiencies lodged deep within the content of my spirit that beg me to find someone to compliment me...a help-mate. God put me in a deep sleep of reflection before I could realize what had happened to me; He took a piece of me away and from it formed you. You are me, and I am you. I am part of you and you are part of me. I am restless until I find you. The day we will finally meet each other is coming, the day I can look into your eyes and see the product of thousands of years of preparation being made (husbands loving wives, and wives loving husbands) in order for me to genuinely exclaim as part of a long and storied heritage: This is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone!!!

"The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."" Genesis 2:18
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




-------------LETTERS TO MY FUTURE WIFE (Part 1)
[Jeremiah 3:14b "for I am your husband. I will choose you—one from a town and two from a clan—and bring you to Zion".]
--------------------------------------GOD HASTEN THE DAY WE FINALLY MEET



I am going to tell you what Jesus told me
"come, follow my heart"
and leave your father and brothers behind in their boats
trust me
and let me walk on the irregular waters of unstable love like firm soil
and let me multiply your joy like fish and loaves
food for four thousand out of leftover scraps for one
because I don't have much to offer you
except these hope filled eyes of mine
that beg to heal your loneliness like an issue of blood
if you would just touch the hem of my desire
for you
and hug me four straight days so I can tell your expectant
relatives waiting for you to find a husband
"Take off the grave clothes and let her go"
Because today your singleness is dead
and a new man who will cherish you commands you
to walk out from behind that stone tomb
I have come to take you to new heights
to care about you, doting on you
Eternally

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit
I want you to proclaim our love
First in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria
and to the ends of the earth.
Let the reality of our love settle inside you
...A mighty rushing wind....
so you can speak in a new tongue
and a new language
telling everyone you know
"God, this man loves me"
So exuberant that all in proximity think you’re drunk

Because I have been praying
all my life
that you and I would be one someday
and that God would keep you safe.
Ive been in my Gethsemane of anxiety
sweating blood
closing my eyes and begging God to take
my cup of loneliness away
(before the Jewish soldiers of infertility come)
And life is a crucifixion without you
near
Doubt and despair like two thieves are always close
mocking me




(But I wont give up. The day is coming soon that I can say "It is finished. She is MINE" ALL MINE HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)





["Come, follow me," Jesus said Matthew 4:19a]

Alicia Keys, My Unfulfilled Desire For You is A Daughter Wailing

And His disciples came and urged Him, saying, “Send her away, for she cries out after us.”-----------------------------[Alicia Keys I love you. I want just a crumb from your table of endearment]




My hands can't cover my ears sufficiently
to stop her shrill screams from piercing my ears.
I try to hold my desire
like it was my own daughter in my arms and rock it to sleep...
but "it is severely demon possessed"
Alicia, holy woman of David have mercy on me
free me from my ills and my
unquenched yearning to be with you (the gravest of evils)
Let me place my arms around your waist and
lay my chin on your shoulder
and cry
because you make me so happy

To spite your disciples
I will yell out my love for you
even if it means chasing,
even if it means worshipping at your feet
exclaiming "help me!" "love me!" "help me!"
understand me:
you don't have to let me eat at your table
just let me eat the crumbs that fall -
of your exuberance
your contagious smile
your beautiful face
your voice smooth like silk
please just to be near you,
that's all
even if I'm on the floor

So great is my faith
in us, Alicia, that it has the power
to grant me what I have wanted specifically:
because you and me together forever is the healing of my daughter
so drastically sick
(my desire moaning in spasms)
With you in my life I want to live again
and rest in your arms as your husband
this "very hour"


(Please Alicia, love me, have mercy on your servant Tony!)



------------------------------------[Matthew 15:21-28 NKJV]
Then Jesus went out from there and departed to the region of Tyre and Sidon. And behold, a woman of Canaan came from that region and cried out to Him, saying, "Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! My daughter is severely demon-possessed." But He answered her not a word. And His disciples came and urged Him, saying, “Send her away, for she cries out after us." But He answered and said, "I was not sent except to the lost sheep of the house of Israel." Then she came and worshiped Him, saying, "Lord, help me!" But He answered and said, "It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the little dogs." And she said, "Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table." Then Jesus answered and said to her, "O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

Kim Kardashian in Cana: Dancing with the Stars in My Heart!!!

And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, "They have no wine."---------------------[Kim Kardashian in Cana]-------



Kim Kardashian (sorry Reggie!), baby
My heart is six waterpots of stone
at a wedding with you not around. Singleness
is like rowdy guests, Kim.
like rowdy guests
who cant stop watching Dancing with the Stars
to try and take the edge off...anything to lessen their pain...
I requested your friendship on Myspace but
my patience amidst your silence is interrupted by my Mother telling me
"they have no wine"
(the tension in the air is thick and drapes us all)
without you in my arms those twenty to thirty gallon pots are hollow
like I am inside
and I wont use them for purification...because nothing can wash away
the stain of your absence
(on my big day)

Im on my knees Kim
Im begging you to save me from inconsolable grief
Order your servants from hollywood to deliver a message:
"Tell Tony Conti I have come to fill the waterpots with water"
And I would translate your esoteric speech to mean
I will be filled with joy like wine
because you are my Miracle, and you are my Savior
and you are the Chosen One to me
...prophesied in the Torah
so let the wedding commence and the attendees
be satiated

At the end of the day, girl
you are the only thing that matters to this bridegroom
I never thought I would find a love like this
...a woman whose lips I absolutely pine for
at 27 years of age, and after being single so long
Kim, "You have kept the good wine [for me] until now"



(Just because you got booted from Dancing with the Stars, don’t mean you got booted from my heart.....baby! OH YEAAAAAAH!!! KIM K! KIM K! .....Im like totally on Team Kardashian)




[John 2:1-11]
On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, "They have no wine." Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, "Whatever He says to you, do it." Now there were set there six waterpots of stone, according to the manner of purification of the Jews, containing twenty or thirty gallons apiece. Jesus said to them, "Fill the waterpots with water." And they filled them up to the brim. And He said to them, "Draw some out now, and take it to the master of the feast." And they took it. When the master of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom. And he said to him, "Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine, and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now!" This beginning of signs Jesus did in Cana of Galilee, and manifested His glory; and His disciples believed in Him.

I Had a Beer With Satan: Git'r DONE!!!

This is one of my retro joints yall. 6/13/2006





JOHN 10:10-----------------------
[enter the bar]

I'll have two, one for me and my friend* here
"listen Im not sure god really has an objective
I mean
For you, your life. Granted if he (it?) does it seems concealed
rejected from seminary (OMG), remember?
your dream girl was denied you, financial debt is building,
you still live at home with your parents at 25
where is....why would your life be bereft of
such necessary simplicity? Why is your life
so failed so meaningless...where is your ministry
Towson religious studies major?

[drink beer #1]

Maybe your sins have elicited god's
disgust (hatred) you whoremonger
maybe you have exhausted his grace (so-called)
maybe his holy (LOL) back has been turned towards you
maybe this god-thing, really isnt cut out for you
(are you one of the predestined ones?)
maybe a farce, maybe facetious
what is life but suffering anyway
with or without a god
maybe we don't really know anything
about life, about love, about the future

[drink beer #2]

life's distinguishing line is relative
its demarcation if you will
is hazy anyhow. Death is one man's life
look at osama bin laden
your sin is piety to the poor man
I want you to see this existence is all a game
between a constructed god and devil
wayward path, straight path
and you caught in the middle
Youre a joke and so is your life, by the way

[drink beer #3]

lets get out of this dump
and rent some x rated movies, do some drugs,
cut ourselves, find some babe to chat online...
the only good is pleasure that we bring to ourselves
'we create our own meaning and existence'
be free from the mental bondage called Christ
Tony lets go find you a wife! Stop waiting on god for that
if it hasnt happened by now...
(you're such a lonely loser)"

Weezy: PHONE HOME !!! Tony: PHONE HOME!!!!

* dedicated to Lil Wayne "Phone Home"

(Me and Weezy are not the same we are Martians!!!! Feel me? But word...we different types of aliens 'doe....I aint hatin on you Wayne, baby, Im just saying you a certain type of alien, no doubt....and I as a Christian is a certain type of alien. Let my right hand man Peter school you son!)


1 Peter 2:10-12
Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.
-----------------------------[Followers of Jesus Christ are not the same they are Martians]




When I eat dinner I close my eyes
silently paying homage to an unseen Being (I use as my crutch)
crediting Him for providing my sustenance
and not my paycheck
When I wake up on Sunday
I have this conviction that my world is off kilter
unless I go to an edifice
and worship the same Being for giving me life
and saving me from an afterlife of scorching flames and
suffocating smoke
asking His Mother to pray now and at the hour of my death
like she did when she held her crucified Son in her arms bleeding

I dont want to kiss again until my wedding day
I dont want to date a girl unless Im going to marry her
I want sex, but I dont want to lose my virginity
beyond the boundaries of a sacramental covenant blessed by God
and Pastor (Porn and masturbation are wrong too www.xxxchurch.com)
I pray for my enemies and wish they would be so blessed
they lose the capacity for hate
I give my money to beggars lingering beneath traffic signals
reasoning I might just entertain an angel cloaked by human form
observing me to give an accounting when he goes back
I dont get drunk, because the world doesnt sell the Holy Spirit in a 40 oz bottle
I believe abortion is wrong
I believe homosexuality is wrong
because God said so
(and Ive never even seen Him.If I did I would die)

Adam and Eve did exist they conversed with a snake
(it was really Satan though)
Jacob wrestled an angel (it was really God though)
Jonah was really in a whale 3 days, Lazarus was resurrected in 4
Phillip honestly did vanish after baptizing the Eunuch
Stephen did see Jesus standing before he was stoned
Jesus walked on water like solid land
Jesus is the only way to God
and yes, the sun stood still when Joshua asked God to stop it
David did fell Goliath with a slingshot
Lot's wife did turn into salt
but not table salt. You and I can at least agree on that
you probably dont agree with me
but Im not worried. its because




YOU AND I ARE NOT THE SAME I AM A CHRISTIAN
[I MEAN MARTIAN...I MEAN CHRISTIAN MARTIAN...I MEAN
........OH WELL....I TRIED]





---------------------------------------
"Phone Home" Lyrics

We are not the same, I am a martian (martian, martian)
We are not the same, I am a martian (martian, martian)
Greetings from Planet Weezy
We will begin transmission in 5...4...3...2...1

Phone home! (Weezy) x4
And if you feel like you're best go ahead
And do the Weezy Wee and
Phone home! (Weezy) x2

We are not the same, I am a martian
And I'm hotter than Summer Rain, like Carl Thomas
Lock, load, ready to aim at any target
I could get your brains for a bargain
Like I bought it, from Target
Hip-hop is my supermarket
Shopping cart full of fake hip-hop artists
I'm starvin', sorry, I gotta eat all it
And I'll be back in the mornin' (mornin')

Phone home! (Weezy) x4
And if you feel like you're best go ahead
And do the Weezy Wee and
Phone home! (Weezy) x2

We are not the same, I am an alien
Like Gonzalez, young college student
Who done just flipped the game, like Houston
I'm used to promethazine in 2 cups, I'm screwed up
And ya ain't **** if you ain't never been screwed up
Flow so sick, make you want to throw your food up
Ice water chest, and my wrist like a pool cup
Two twin clippers, I give your ******* a crew cut
I get bread like cold cuts, you know what?
Your girl ************* slow
But I never slow up (Weezy!)

Phone home! (Weezy) x4
And if you feel like you're best go ahead
And do the Weezy Wee and
Phone home! (Weezy) x2

They don't make 'em like me no more
Matter fact, they never made it like me before
I'm rare like Mr. Clean with hair
No brake lights on my career
I never had life and I never had fear
I rap like I done died and goin' to heaven, I swear
And yeah I'm a bear, like black and white hair
So I'm polar
And they can't get on my system 'cause my system is the solar
I am so far from the o-ders, I mean others
I could eat them for supper
Get in my spaceship and hover (hover)

Phone home! (Weezy) x4
And if you feel like you're best go ahead
And do the Weezy Wee and
Phone home! (Weezy) x2

On the Sabbath I Call Out to Lauren London

*Dedicated to Ol*a

Luke 13:10-13
On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.
--------------------------------------------][Lauren London, heal me. please...(The thoughts of the woman healed by Jesus on the Sabbath)]




Lauren,
my heart has been blown away by the wind
since you left
At night I am curled in a fetal position gasping
for breath, begging
for life. for nourishment (from above) for nurturing and the will power
to withstand the daunting weight of this baleful solitude
your memory is like my back hunched from prolonged moping
permanently
it weighs down on my conscience like the death of my dreams
of a happy life together with you
of children and our first kiss at our wedding
musing at your dark brown eyes
(gently) brushing my fingers across your smooth almond skin
full of nervous anxiety.
....I am crippled by the void of your presence


Its been 18 years since Ive picked up a mirror
or put a spoon to my mouth
due to grief
only eating food that thieves drop from their hands
using my decrepit fingers
shaking
or drinking from worn cups of the poverty stricken
who lay down in dirt
I cant even sit at tables anymore...it hurts too much
running feels like a knife wound.
Jumping is giving up the ghost
walking is my only resort but it feels like straining...
I barely have the desire to face forward anymore
I just fasten my eyes on my feet and move wherever
my emaciated soul leads

Lauren, I am nothing without you
I plead with you constantly in my exhausted sleep
to call out my name: TONY!!!!
"you are set free from your infirmity!!!"
place your hands on my back by loving me
this is the 11th hour
I sit by my synagogue door of fate
this is my Sabbath, life has become a Sabbath
bent over
waiting



[your love will immediately straighten me up and I will praise God.]

(Baby, please love me. Please I need someone to love me. Lauren London, heal me. Save me. Amen.)

This is life, this is His Death, this is my life

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will" (Eph. 1:3-5)
--------------------------




27 years ago
My physician held me and peered into my eyes
with a jaded yet inquisitive disposition...
he had done this before
many times
yet to him each human life was a rolling of dice.
What would I be? He wondered
Will he die early, will he die old in peace and wealthy?
Or in jail a menace to society?
I greeted my world with a piercing scream
Vulnerable and indistinct
Uncertain

In heaven, surrounded by angels and clouds of thick smoke
and the sound of sonic thunder
God sat on His throne and told the 24 elders seated around Him
"He is one of mine. He will live for Us"
The scar in His side was sung as a hymn by the stars
above Childrens Hospital in Washington, DC Feb. 12, 1981
And from that moment forth His loved has guided me
Propelled me
Compelled me and
comforted me In nights darker and winds colder
than I had yet to experience
And His Arms have defined sanity and reality
(have become my standards, my constants)
No matter the worlds difference
Ever since

Jesus is my solace when people spit on me
my confidence when women reject me
my humor in the face of disdain
My strength in tears fomented by those stronger than me
I need Him more than anyone else
I would be faceless, nameless
He is my identity My Great Physician
with a heart more tender than any earthly doctor
Without Him I would be just a baby screaming
Randomly
And for 27 years left on his own
with no hope

(You didn't want my life to be hopeless did you?)