I Would Rather Fall on My Sword Than Abdandon Gwen

"What have you done?" asked Samuel.
-----[Gwen Stefani, Life Without You is a Battlefield of Philistines]------


Chariots, Charioteers and Soldiers mounting:
(as numerous as sand on the seashore)
is me without you, a morning without staring at your face
sleeping
I love you Gwen
Micmash was my haven, deep in my heart
for us to dwell, a place where I gathered hope and jubilee
by the thousands like men of Israel gather
a bulwark
against any obstacle of love that came our way
attempting to decimate our affinity
our bond
our amor
(never defeated)

Yet, the Philistine army is doubt I have always harbored
about us ever getting married, or even starting a family
and they assemble before hope and jubilee
making them flee
"what if you don't love me?" is Gad
"what if you don't need me?" is Gilead
there they go, nothing remaining behind
except widespread fear
panic
burnt offerings and fellowship offerings
and hasty decisions
to leave you and forge a new life
with more certainty

You told me to wait seven days for you
I would have waited nine
You told me to keep the pillow next to me warm
I slept across the entire bed
but the tears – and nightmares of you leaving me
are haunting
I worry too much about you, and that is where my love bled
...on Mount Gilboa
My armor bearer is my conscience
reeling
your absence, my malfeasance is too much to bear
I divorced you, and you didn’t even know
but I cant let doubt and remorse abuse me
My sword is my retaliation for all my wrongs
Gwen, I deserve death as a consequence for what Ive done
as does my conscience


(my memory is my sons – let death take them with me)




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1 Samuel 13: 11-14"What have you done?" asked Samuel. Saul replied, "When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash, I thought, 'Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD's favor.' So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering." "You acted foolishly," Samuel said. "You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command."

1 Samuel 31:1-6
Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell slain on Mount Gilboa. The Philistines pressed hard after Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua. The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically. Saul said to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me." But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him. So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together that same day.