[The setting: Dusk. Late Fall, brisk air. A Saturday Night. A small row house style tavern, Ropewalk, couched in between another tavern and a quaint sports bar near downtown Baltimore's inner harbor entertainment district. A florescent-tube lit "Open" sign, alternately flashing blue and red, adjacent to the door affixed to the huge glass pane that introduces the bar to the denizens or tourists who pass by greets patrons as they walk in. The architectural aesthetics and the general signs of building wear suggest the tavern, and ultimately the neighborhood, to be about 100 years old, with minor upkeep and modernization done to address the needs of the rapid technological advancements of the consumer market within the last 10 years. Inside the one story tavern, five rounded wooden tables are ensconced in the center of the partially dusty wooden floor, with five chairs set around a table. Said tables are flanked on the left wall by four bench style "booth" tables, at the moment being utilized by college students from Towson University as indicated by their sweatshirts, and by the bar three feet removed the right wall. An array of wine set on wine racks, decorate the backdrop behind the bar. An outdated Baltimore Ravens Superbowl poster, Ray Lewis as the glorified focal point, hangs prominently above the wine rack. Seven stools hug the bar, three of them occupied by rowdy but relatively civil patrons. The bartender, a tall brutish, somewhat brusque man tempers any excessive rude behavior. The waitress, a twenty something (and judging by her expression and demeanor, emotionally torn) busty blonde feigns a smile as Tony, Jesus and Death walk in. She motions for them to sit at the leftmost round table, closest to the group of Towson students. After taking preliminary drink orders, she departs for the bar.]
Tony: Yo, so death, what the deal my dude? You know what Im saying? You got a kat like me up in this joint discontented as a mothafu....
[Jesus casts a warning glance at Tony]
Tony (nervously): ...as a mug! Nahmean? I mean, dawg, Im ready to watch UFC and we up in this joint with no TV son! What the dealie? I want to see Anderson Silva kick big mouth Sonnen all over the octagon, NAHMEAN!!!
[The college kids behind Tony begin bantering with him about the superiority of Sonnen over Silva, assiduously proclaiming that Silva's previous victory over him was dubious at best. After a few minutes both parties lose interest in conversation and return to their respective company]
Death: You dont have as much idle time* as you might think, dallying around in sportsbars your whole life, Tony
Tony (uneasy):.....whaaaat? C'mon son! SON! You cant be saying stuff like that SON! What he mean by dat Jesus? Wut he meen by datz? Am I gonna die tomorrow or something? awwww shiiiiiii....
[Tony grimaces as if preemptively reminded to watch his language and crude behavior in the presence of Jesus, chastising himself before being reprimanded]
Tony: ...shoot! I meant, I dont wanna die before I see the Redskins win the Superbowl in 2012! You gets my drift riiiiiggghhhht Je-zus! HAIL TO THE REDSKINS HAIL VICTORY BRAVES ON THE WARPATTTTHHH! FIGHT FOR ALL DC!! [Tony looks sheepishly around him, surveying the landscape in case someone tries to throw a bottle at him]
Jesus: Its not important that you know the exact day or hour of your death, only that you appreciate every day as though it were your last.
Tony (muttering): aint that some shi...shitake mushrooms, that is!
[The waitress comes over and informs the table that mushrooms are on short supply and extra fees would be incurred if they were ordered on burgers]
Death: We are here Tony to inform you of Jesus' pending death, at my hands of course!
[Tony stares quizzically at Jesus awaiting some retort]
Jesus: The Son of Man must be delivered up to death as an atoning sacrifice for he sins of mankind.
Tony (getting progressively angry): NAH SON!....NAH
Jesus (compassionately): This mus...
Tony (interrupting): NO, FUH- FUG NO! I AINT GONNA LET NO KAT ROLE UP ON MY HOMIE AND JUST TAKE HIM OUT! ...wait a minute, does this fool got some sort of magic shank, some gun with metaphysical ballistics that Im unaware of? I mean, how can someone kill you when you is God Almighty, son? What, this bamma gonna poison your food with un-holy manna???? You know, manna with left wing mustard!!?? [Tony laughs sarcastically as if baiting Jesus to scoff at the idea of him dying]
Jesus: I am fully human, remember this.
Tony (resolutely): BUT FULLY GOD! WHAT THE F- FLIP IS THIS? AM I THE ONLY ONE WITH SOME SENSE HERE??? JESUS H. CHRIST WILL NOT DIE OK? TOO MUCH HOPE RESTS ON YOUR ABIDING PRESENCE, DAWG! I NEED YOU AROUND SO YOU CAN FACILITATE MY MARRIAGE TO EITHER AMANDA SEYFRIED, EMMA WATSON, OR JORDIN SPARKS!
[Death stands up and reaches his arm toward Jesus. Tony instantaneously bolts out of his seat and prepares to smack death's hand to counteract his offensive maneuver towards Jesus.]
College frat boy from the booth (deeply concerned): DUUUDE! If you so much as graze the fingernail of death, calamity will surely ensue. Be judicious in this man, I dont want to see two of you guys drop dead! My conscience wont let me pick-up women tonight if more than one guy dies in front of me! Touching death means, pestilence, malady, fever, scurvy, aids, blindness, any other concomitant illness associated with degenerative life.
[Tony for a moment pauses and heeds this advice, oblivious to death's advances. Death grabs Jesus by the throat and slams him on the floor and walks out, Jesus lay limp on the ground. Relative pandemonium follows as patrons and the bar tender attempt to resuscitate him and then call Baltimore County Police].
[Sergeant Landsman walks in after some time]
Sergeant Landsman: Everything okay here???? Stringer Bell, you in here???
No comments:
Post a Comment