I am Samson; Conflicted

* dedicated to Brand New's song "Millstone"
* dedicated to my desire to serve the Lord Jesus.... sort of
* dedicated to Lisa....sort of and Jennifer.....sort of and all the hot
Towson girls....sort of

GET HER FOR ME; FOR SHE PLEASETH ME WELL. Judges 14:3

Then the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him; and the ropes
that were on his arms became like flax that is burned with fire, and
his bonds broke loose from his hands He found a fresh jawbone of a
donkey, reached out his hand and took it, and killed a thousand men
with it. Judges 15:14b-15

—arent we all like samson?----------Judges 15:20/Judges
16:1---------I am Samson; Conflicted


I go to Timnah, then to Gaza...
I want a wife then a hooker
not a synthesis of the two
Today I want loyalty and long dresses,
children born to smooth skin
undefiled. Prudence and temperance
But tonight (as she sleeps) I yearn for
miniskirts and high heels, make up
mascara and tattoos
vertiginous melodies played loudly
sweet wine in abundance grapes plucked
from the vine flung into the winepress
carelessly
I want both brief kisses from innocent lips
and protracted trysts (deep into the evening)
red lipstick smeared on my face
her hands with scissors in my hair

I want both Jews and Philistines
for my parents...
peace and wisdom in judgement but
for myself....
the excitement of madness and impetuosity
fired foxtails, the foul stench of a
preying lion's carcass
to pose riddles, the jawbone of an ass
to get the last laugh
the burned grass stained with blood
between my thousand rotting enemies
is like the honey of my deepest secrets
tasted for 15 years

My weakness is my discontent
my strength is my passion
My strength is my passion
My weakness is my discontent


(We all want Delilah in the end)










[Brand New - Millstone (lyrics)]

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

"They never hit their brakes..."
"There was no time to see..."
"He just ran out in the street..."
"Does anybody know his name?"
"I think I recognize him..."
"He sure as hell paid for that mistake..."

Woah.

So take me out tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck.
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
I'm my own stone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

My Wedding Will Be Sooooo Hollywood

(see this girl I like, maaaan she is soooo picky about her future husband! but I still love her)---------TONY'S WEDDING WILL BE SO HAWT, SO HOLLYWOOD. IT WILL BE LIKE THE WEDDING OF A GOD! (HIS WIFE WILL BE SOOOOO LUCKY!)

TOM CRUISE AND KATIE, EVA AND TONY, HEIDI AND SEAL...HOLLA AT UR BOY OVA HERE YO!

Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready. (Rev 19:7)

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven of
God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband....Come hither, I
will show thee the bride, the wife of the Lamb......having the glory
of God: her light was like unto a stone most precious, as it were a
jasper stone..The foundations of the wall of the city were adorned
with all manner of precious stones. The first foundation was jasper;
the second, sapphire; the third, chalcedony; the fourth, emerald;
the fifth, sardonyx; the sixth, sardius; the seventh, chrysolite; the
eighth, beryl; the ninth, topaz; the tenth, chrysoprase; the
eleventh, jacinth; the twelfth, amethyst. And the twelve gates were
twelve pearls; each one of the several gates was of one pearl: and
the street of the city was pure gold, as it were transparent glass.
(Rev 21 - various)



----------------[Jesus, Give Me a Wedding Like Yours, Make My Bride As Lovely As Yours]--------------
* dedicated to my future wedding. I want God to Bless it with like a thousand people....I want my bride to esteem me like the Church will one day esteem Jesus (We're lucky to have Him)
---------To My Bride - ITS ALL ABOUT YOU GIRL



To be fair, you will most likely
commission me to hell expecting
me to embark and return smiling
with my love for you more resolute
Like the heart of a dead pharaoh on the judicial scale
that must weigh less than a feather
the improbable, the impossible must transpire
before Im deemed praiseworthy
of your affections
of your father's affections
of your church's affections
To win the prize I must vigorously strain
(for the High call of kissing you before the altar)

But in your demands I hear echoes of whips
saliva dripping from unkempt beards
iniquitous men crowning Him with a vicious briar patch hastily sewn
but injuriously bestowed
contentious, cynical, sarcastic men
lacerations deep into His head, blood pouring down His face
the decadent, incensed mobs crying
"save yourself"
the crass roman soldier jabbing a spear in His side
all remind me of what I request of my Christ
I would ask Him to die and come back to me in only three days
or to traipse on water then quickly multiply fish and break bread
to prove His Love for me

Just as Christ endured death's sting
to adorn me with spiritual accoutrements
(the desires of my heart)
I will endure your testing, your refining
so I can adorn you with beryl, topaz and amethyst
and kiss you a thousand times
you make the pearls more beautiful, not the reverse
still I want to place a string of pearls around your neck
and gently stroke your hair
I want to see you blush at the altar
when saying "I do"
I want to see sweat forming on your brow
when I lean in towards your lips
Lisa, your demands are difficult but thats OK
in my eyes,
its always been all about you.





(I love you baby, cant wait to marry you, even though your [ and your
Dad's] approval process is like trying to win Survivor)



YOU ARE SOOOOO, LIKE, THE BRIDE OF CHRIST, Lisa



-------THE BRIDE OF CHRIST, AN OBSESSION IN BOTH TESTAMENTS---------------

And Jesus said unto them, Can the sons of the bridechamber mourn, as
long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the
bridegroom shall be taken away from them, and then will they fast.
(Matthew 9:15)

And thou shalt set in it settings of stones, four rows of stones: a
row of sardius, topaz, and carbuncle shall be the first row;
and the second row an emerald, a sapphire, and a diamond;
and the third row a jacinth, an agate, and an amethyst;
and the fourth row a beryl, and an onyx, and a jasper: they shall be
inclosed in gold in their settings. (Exodus 28:17-20)

And he said unto me, Son of man, hast thou seen this? Then he brought
me, and caused me to return to the bank of the river. Now when I had
returned, behold, upon the bank of the river were very many trees on
the one side and on the other. (Ezekiel 47:6-7)

And he showed me a river of water of life, bright as crystal,
proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb, in the midst of
the street thereof. And on this side of the river and on that was the
tree of life, bearing twelve manner of fruits, yielding its fruit
every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the
nations. (Rev 22:1-2)

Man, Ezra 7:23, this girl freed me from exile

* dedicated to....who else? My future wife [I don't do the girlfriend thing]
* also dedicated to my mane man Ezra! Word up Dawg!!!!
(Why do you keep harping on romantic love? Romantic love is God for
the bible says God is Love. But how do you know romantic love is
referred to in that verse? I serve a very romantic God, thank you
very much...) LET EZRA BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU!

[Ezra 3:11-13 And they sang one to another in praising and giving
thanks unto Jehovah, saying, For he is good, for his lovingkindness
endureth for ever toward Israel. And all the people shouted with a
great shout, when they praised Jehovah, because the foundation of the
house of Jehovah was laid. But many of the priests and Levites and
heads of fathers' houses, the old men that had seen the first house,
when the foundation of this house was laid before their eyes, wept
with a loud voice; and many shouted aloud for joy: so that the people
could not discern the noise of the shout of joy from the noise of the
weeping of the people; for the people shouted with a loud shout, and
the noise was heard afar off.]


—(Lets Get Em Ezra)-------------
Bring Me Back From Exile, Lisa
(You Make Me Refocus, Make Me Want to Get My Life Back on Track)-----------------------------

Just the other day
yesterday it seems or years ago
hazy like in a dream
[that I was destined to have]
you sat directly across the table from me
and
you
looked
GORGEOUS
In my heart Cyrus heard the LORD
loosened my bonds and turned the key
my wrists still red, my iron shackles falling to the ground
I was freed to chase after my finite infinity
(you)

In Babylon -
the abyss of your absence from my life -
I sat weakened abused by pedagogues
(and their whips)
of hopelessness, believing you and I were
never to be
my mind dominated by this Persian world system (lust)
my Jewish identity disregarded
forgotten in the midst of my pain
the temple of our love desecrated
our altars
turned rubble the people who believed in us
dispersed
Lisa, when I am without you I weep for Judah

In Jerusalem I will build our House!
We will sacrifice to the LORD together,
bulls, rams, lambs
bulls, rams, lambs
the blood lacing the restored altars
a memento of my remorse
I should have never left you
I never said goodbye
The decree of Darius has emancipated me
you are my Holy Land to which I now set foot
let me rebuild the walls
let me rebuild the halls (with flowers)
piecing together our decimated temple ruins
our friends will break out in jubilation
the old men will cry with a shriek
Tony has come back




(For his bride. To get his life back on track. My people Israel,
before I come back, please get your lives back on track - Jehovah)

BABY YOU ARE MY FINITE INFINITY, OUR LOVE IS A TASTE OF HEAVEN ON EARTH



FOR ALL PUNKS OPPOSED TO OUR MARRIAGE, READ THIS!
Ezra 6:11-12 Also I have made a decree, that whosoever shall alter
this word, let a beam be pulled out from his house, and let him be
lifted up and fastened thereon; and let his house be made a dunghill
for this: and the God that hath caused his name to dwell there
overthrow all kings and peoples that shall put forth their hand to
alter the same, to destroy this house of God (me and my boo XXXX)
which is at Jerusalem. I Darius have made a decree; let it be done
with all diligence.

For Us (I want to die by water)

* dedicated to Jesus Christ, my desire personified and deified----help me to fully realise this * dedicated to my future wife, I know she's out there somewhere...if you are reading this now, meet me at the Jordan river

And it came to pass in those days, that Jesus came from Nazareth of
Galilee, and was baptized of John in Jordan. Mark 1:9
And John bare record, saying, I saw the Spirit descending from heaven
like a dove, and it abode upon him. John 1:32
Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as
Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even
so we also should walk in newness of life. Romans 6:4

-----------By Water Kill Me, By Water Submerge Me (I want to die to
this hopeless, loveless life) [Jesus' thoughts before His Baptism by John]



Life without you
Life apart from Love
is meek and meager as Nazareth
horse, sheep and swine and mangers
made of hay
no room at the inn of hope
or aspirations
or dreaming
I lay shivering in my blanket of misery
my nursing Mother my only therapy
recourse to comfort
the disconcerted look in my father's face
all too unsettling
we all close our eyes
as the cold winds blow
(the doors open and slam shut)

To grow and occupy myself with a trade
is fallacious
carpentry is just a diversion
they use to placate me
with each swing of the hammer
and nail that pierces freshly chopped wood
or tables and chairs errected on desert sand
my feet drag without you beside me
we work out in the sun
beating my brow I gaze into the prophecies of my heart
my brothers, and cousins wonder
whats the matter with me
my lack, but without you there is no focus

So I fasten my sandal straps
mature enough to seek after and pursue my goals
(our intentions)
and embrace childhood cupidity
years of yearning have prepared me
the unsatisfied longing [for so long] has refined
each step I take from Galilee is a lifetime of empty memory
(sleepless nights void of your touch)
it must die and be renewed
in the Jordan
the water will bring us together
come to me
as I bury my loneliness
forever
let your spirit finally descend upon my expectations
like a dove



(JOHN THE BAPTIST BE MY WITNESS BEFORE GOD)

Take away this pain AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

THIS SCAR NEVER HEALS July 8, 2007 11:26AM – Day Two Of My Tragedy
(My dialogue with Jesus Himself)

Tony:

GOD MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, AND TAKEN HER HEART AWAY FROM
ME? IM GOING TO DIE WITHOUT HER THIS ACUTE PAIN, THIS ACUTE PAIN. IM
SUFFERING, IM DYING, GOD BRING HER BACK GIVE ME JUST ONE MORE DAY,
ONE MORE CHANCE...I WOULD PREFER HELL TO THIS MORBID
REALITY…AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jesus:

Tony, I love you. My blood poured down rotten wood and spit poured
down my face so I could call you my love. You are precious to me,
worth more than my life given me from the Father; I cherish you and
extol you – you are My redeemed creation and it is good. I had to
take LG away from you and all other romantic interests from you
because they were driving a wedge between us. You are not ready for
her if you don’t make me your firstborn love. I demand the first
fruits of your love not second fruits or third fruits or rotten
fruits of sin. You fear me, but you don’t serve me and desire me as
the deer pants for water. You must cry out with the Psalmist: My soul
thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
(Psalm 42:2). Tony I know deep down inside you love Lisa, but I am
too jealous a lover to let that kind of love coexist with my love for
you. You may have lost her forever; live with that acknowledgement-
You just may have to destroy and rebuild your heart’s longings like
Nehemiah did the wall of my chosen people. When you get that part
right, trust me, you wont have to worry about finding a wife.

(Be strong, my love. Be strong. I believe in you)
----------------------
2: Kings 17:33
They feared Jehovah, and served their own gods, after the manner of
the nations from among whom they had been carried away.

NIV - They worshiped the LORD, but they also served their own gods in
accordance with the customs of the nations from which they had been
brought.
---------------------

YOU MUST FEAR GOD AND SERVE HIM...GOD DEMANDS OUR ALL. ANYTHING LESS
IS PAIN. ANYTHING LESS IS MADNESS...

Thomas dont doubt Lisa is yours...

* dedicated to Lisa, always*
John 20:24-45 [Tremors of the Crucifixion; A Life In Despair] The
Thoughts of Thomas Before He Reaches Out To Touch Jesus...---------------------



Often
You think about death
And revolving chaos in your mind
Straddling parallel universes
Planes of existence
Virtue and Corruption – just deeds and unjust deeds
Too much to bear

You see yourself falling

Endlessly

You try and reach for the light
Illuminating above
But the heaviness of your heart descends to
Fires of hell below
Burning

Life smells of smoke and ash
Soot and ember
It is brandished "pointless, fleeting"
Devoid of satisfaction
You want to believe in the good
Its what keeps you suspended...
The world wouldn't be so evil
If hope was somehow palpable or tangible
It wouldnt be damned...
If you could just feel

(Touch the Scars, know it all wasn't a dream)







John 20:24-25
Now Thomas, called the Twin, one of the twelve, was not with them
when Jesus came. The other disciples therefore said to him, "We have
seen the Lord." So he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the
nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand
into His side, I will not believe."

Verse 29
Jesus said to him, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have
believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."


I AM DOUBTING THOMAS HELP ME TO BELIEVE

I've Fallen from Lisa's Grace

* dedicated to Lisa ****
Genesis 3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that
they were naked; and they sewed fig-leaves together, and made
themselves aprons.

---------------------[Fallen from Your Grace, I Reflect: Some Things,
I Shouldn't Know]
It is as though a paraplegic, marvelously skilled in the complex
maneuvering of a wheelchair, were to despise the healthy as belonging
to a lower order because they walk simply, in blithe ignorance of the
complexity of movement that the paraplegic knows so well.




Your hair, long as it is
black

Falls from your hands as you
let it go
spreads over your back
for a moment, covers your face
so symmetrical and eyebrows flawlessly
arched
Eyes as dark as my thoughts without you
Before....
Before
I fell from your grace

For me, you have never
pushed asunder
the black silk tresses canvassing
your alluring eyes
you only exhibit to me mystery
a relationship veiled
a heart aloof
conversations muted
e-mails yet to be responded to
or even
(years pass)
acknowledged

Your silence is knowledge
that debilitates and debases
yet it is my expertise
My ignorance now surely bliss
Lisa, I want to return to those days in our Eden
of comfortability words freely spoken
gazing directly into your irises
We walked in streams of living water then
creation our footstool
I curse the branches of the tree of evil
(from which I did eat)
that awakened me
to your disdain




(LISA AND YOUR BLACK HAIR - I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU IN THIS WAY)



-From www.biblegateway.com
See here what is commonly the folly of those that have sinned. They
have more care to save their credit before men, than to obtain their
pardon from God. The excuses men make to cover and lessen their sins,
are vain and frivolous; like the aprons of fig-leaves, they make the
matter never the better: yet we are all apt to cover our
transgressions as Adam. Before they sinned, they would have welcomed
God's gracious visits with humble joy; but now he was become a terror
to them. No marvel that they became a terror to themselves, and full
of confusion. This shows the falsehood of the tempter, and the frauds
of his temptations. Satan promised they should be safe, but they
cannot so much as think themselves so! Adam and Eve were now
miserable comforters to each other! (Ge 3:9-13)

- From www.literatureclassics.com
In secular circles, the Fall is often presented as a kind of felix
culpa (fortunate Fall); it is argued that Adam and Eve "awakened" by
eating of the forbidden fruit, that they in effect "grew up." (There
is also a sort of felix culpa circulating among some Christians, who
see the Fall as fortunate because it brought us the grace of Christ;
but how necessitating the crucifixion of God can be seen as
fortunate, I cannot conceive.) The secular view has worked its way
deep into the human (and particularly the academic) mind; this may be
because we tend to remember the part about "the tree of knowledge"
but drop the part about "knowledge of...evil." Thus, God is seen as
deliberately withholding knowledge from man, and man's grasping at
the forbidden fruit becomes a Prometheus-like rebellion. But the
picture here is of an innocent--not an ignorant--creation. C.S.
Lewis tackles this issue in his book Perelandra. In it, he tells an
alternate allegory of the creation story, in which the man and woman
do not fall. Having refused the forbidden thing, they are not left
without understanding; rather they are more aware than they would
have been had they disobeyed: "We have learned of evil, though not
as the Evil One wished us to learn. We have learned better than that,
for it is waking that understands sleep and not sleep that
understands waking." Richard John Neuhaus says it differently in his
book Death on a Friday Afternoon. The fall cannot be, he argues, an
intellectual maturing: "It is as though a paraplegic, marvelously
skilled in the complex maneuvering of a wheelchair, were to despise
the healthy as belonging to a lower order because they walk simply,
in blithe ignorance of the complexity of movement that the paraplegic
knows so well."