Pisgah (Cuz Im 14 years older than her)

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 * dedicated to Touche Amore, Method Act and Condolences
http://youtu.be/ezGmEjx5baI
http://youtu.be/uW42cXVzttI

[19 year old girl, this is so difficult for me to unmask, to unmoor my reservations about its public perception.  But what choice have I? I am smitten….. But…have I disobeyed the divine social more? Have I struck the rock of impetuousness….?]


-------------/Pisgah

When we first met,
(courtyard of the Pharaoh*: a soul jaded, heart 14 years a slave
-to singleness-
my sandals smattered in blood of past romantic ambition strafed,
like old friends in Israel laying limp, their bodies over time decaying
mostly covered in sand, fingers half clasping at my ankles;
Egyptian task masters black and white young and old – hardened
girls giddily brandishing braided chords of spurning,
whips and beating
punching, starvation and cruelty, torturing me in their rejection
aghast that my desires to date them would grow to outnumber their excuses
in the land….)
you were just a notion. 
I never dared conceive an 18 year old girl named Canaan, 
emancipation from the drudgery of females my own age,
their bad attitudes like rotting fish in my tent, curdled milk of diseased goats
hurled from afar from taskmasters as cynics
a Hebrew people groaning for death rather than compromise….
traded in for the joy
of a land flowing with milk and honey of your coveted companionship
**** eyes.
My passion for you is like 10 plagues of an angry God
my embrace like hoards of frogs and lice in food and hair
my kiss like boils ravaging smooth skin
my devotion to you like thunder and lightning and pitch black
my hands caressing your face at our wedding
the angel of death killing the firstborn
smirks
OF EVERY GIRL WHO EVER HURT ME. BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE
BECAUSE I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

But our age difference feels like aimless vagrant wandering,
40 years a patchwork mob murmuring.
On the good days
waiting for you is a cloud  of mere inconvenience by day
and pillar of unrequited amicable fire by night but on others
its meat chock full of worms,
squirming out the nostril of my patience,
thousands of dead men strewn out in one day.

And I feel like greater society would be like
“speak to the rock of her 20 something heart and wait at Kadesh”
in 10 years gushing water of appreciation and experience will issue forth
with maturity.
But I don’t want to wait. I cant. I hate Egypt and this aftertaste
has lingered way too long,
scars of being unwanted taking too long to scab.
I WILL HIT THIS ROCK OF OPPORTUNITY NOW AND TELL YOU OF MY LOVE.
I WILL TELL THE FACEBOOK WORLD OF MY LOVE NOW!!!!
Drink you dumb society drink
Drink you dumb decorum drink
I am 14 years older than her so what? (My intention like a staff.)

But like that vengeful deafening silence between enemies
gazing at hearts of stone, Pharaoh at mine, and mine at his
Hell’s double entendre,
Deep down inside I know all I will get from you is Pisgah
pleasantries and cordiality and dreams of Canaan,
but I will die looking at you
never inheriting the land

* Tyrant of a man’s desolation and perpetual loneliness without a wife and family

----------Deuteronomy 34:1-6
And Moses went up from the plains of Moab unto the mountain of Nebo, to the top of Pisgah, that is over against Jericho. And the Lord shewed him all the land of Gilead, unto Dan, And all Naphtali, and the land of Ephraim, and Manasseh, and all the land of Judah, unto the utmost sea, And the south, and the plain of the valley of Jericho, the city of palm trees, unto Zoar. And the Lord said unto him, This is the land which I sware unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, saying, I will give it unto thy seed: I have caused thee to see it with thine eyes, but thou shalt not go over thither. So Moses the servant of the Lord died there in the land of Moab, according to the word of the Lord. And he buried him in a valley in the land of Moab, over against Bethpeor: but no man knoweth of his sepulchre unto this day.

Numbers 20:11-12
And Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he smote the rock twice: and the water came out abundantly, and the congregation drank, and their beasts also. And the Lord spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them.


--------Method Act Lyrics
Don't ask me why
 Have you ever wondered why I always drive alone?
 Same reasons why I never pick up my phone
 I got these issues that you can't subscribe
 And I'm scared to talk to anyone for what they might prescribe
 These days I just try to keep to myself
 well aware I've lost touch with everyone else
 I understand that I'm fading away
 I'd rather play dead than play catch up
 Because no one really cares all that much
 I can't keep having the same conversations
 I look to the floor to keep concentration
 focused hard on every single word
 my nails are dug deep and my stomach hurts
 I am selfish it seems, but I'm trying my best to breathe
 hoping you don't notice as I keep laughing

---Condolences Lyrics
If you fantasize about your funeral, I understand
 I've been there before
 If what's more important, is the music played
 Than who'd attend
 We
 Are
 The
 Same
 With heads to the ground,
 As I'm lowered down,
 There will be a chorus
 An overwhelming sound.