I want the heart of a woman....(please God)

I have always wanted love so bad (hey, just having finished watching the 12:01 showing of Twilight: New Moon doesnt hurt either!!!!)

I want to fall in love and get married like a flower waits for the sun to rise...for sustenance, just to survive.

I often try to downplay such emotions in an attempt to avoid slighting my masculinity...but I think one of the greater gifts of getting older is that you stop caring as much what people think of you.

So yeah, if you wonder why I always write about love and women and falling in love...well, there you have it!

Jesus' contemporaries hated him, and he did nothing wrong; so go figure if someone hates you just for having a personality...whether you are mean or not.

Anyway, what Im trying to say is I may as well use the heart God has given me for some good, right?


If I think like a woman, why not write like a woman - FOR THE GLORY OF GOD?

Nah mean? So like, so like, so like I can be the bride....and Jesus can be the Bridgegroom right?

Oh wait, didnt he already call himself that in the Bible? (Matthew 9:15)

So yeah, Im gonna go 'head and pretend Im a bride on this one! Like it or not!
(Cuz whether we like it or not, our Maker is our husband, yall!)

Letters to My Husband *

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine" Song of Songs 1:2


------------------------[Love Letter to My Husband, dated November 20, 2009 2:45AM]



You forced one eminent mandate on me
to love you with all of my heart
…with all of my being
….with all of my soul…
and in return your love
would rescue me from my bondage, my slavery like loneliness
in a foreign land, in spectacular fashion
parting the Red Sea of impossibility,
(like a God paired with a feeble people)
redeeming me in my frailty
you said your love was like milk, and sweet honey
though my doubts were imposing like the Canaanites
you saved me
and gave me a chance to live

Admittedly
each stage of my life is like an epoch full of drama
but your steady words, soft, and kind
are like prophets and kings to guide me
especially in the hard times
when my heart is taken into captivity by
depression and remorse
and fragmented

You said you would die for me
If that meant we could get married
living hand in hand, side by side forever
in one of your many lavish mansions
to prove your love you even let cruel men flagellate you
and large crowds mock you
for firmly clinging to an unwavering belief
that I would love you in return

and your sweet whispers in my ear at night
feels like washing
feels like purification
from a world that makes me feel so dirty
trust me when I tell you
You are my Savior....and you are.....
my love

[Im happy to be your bride]
(Jesus)

-----------------
Ephesians 5:25-27
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Isaiah 54:5
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

Barbara Bush, I Would Till The Ground For You (And Make an Offering) Will You Accept?

----------------[Barbara Bush, Please Accept My Love Offering (At The Altar Of Your Heart)


Barbara, loving you is like
tilling the ground and harvesting fruit
it is like two parents conflicted
unraveling interiorly yet pressing onward despite
consolations to their own bodies that death
wont be as traumatic as it figures in their dreams
because though it is the fruit borne of countless hours of sweat
and toil, it never seems good enough
(for you)

Other men (of wealth and prestige) offer you
the firstlings of their flock....and the fat thereof
[though tending sheep is less intensive than growing produce]
[and money breeds arrogance and pretensions]
and it is charming in your sight
savory, full of sweet aroma
and your heart sinks
so you forget about me
and my manifest insecurities about us falling in love
and being together forever

And without you I am wroth
and my countenance has fallen
the sin of bitter tears and fearful destiny
(being alone)
coucheth at the door of my heart
and it feels like vengeance rising from one disenfranchised
fighting flesh and phantoms, inherited curses just to be heard
refuting serpents of doubt and forfeiture...damning me
I want to rise up and slay these doleful misconceptions
to prove to you my love is real
(that I don't have to be in politics to be your man)
let other men's lament of rejection cry out from the ground to you
not mine

(not anymore)



BARBARA BUSH YOU ARE SO FINE! I GOT MAD PROPS FOR W...DO YOU GOT MAD PROPS FOR ME? IF I RAN A CAMPAIGN FOR YOUR HEART...WOULD I GET YOUR VOTE? (SNOOKUMS????)



St. Augustine "Augustine: on the Two Cities"
-------------------------------/
Of these two first parents of the human race, then, Cain was the first-born, and he belonged to the city of men; after him was born Abel, who belonged to the city of God. For as in the individual the truth of the apostle's statement is discerned, "that is not first which is spiritual, but that which is natural, and afterward that which is spiritual,"whence it comes to pass that each man, being derived from a condemned stock, is first of all born of Adam evil and carnal, and becomes good and spiritual only afterwards, when he is grafted into Christ by regeneration: so was it in the human race as a whole. When these two cities began to run their course by a series of deaths and births, the citizen of this world was the first-born, and after him the stranger in this world, the citizen of the city of God, predestinated by grace, elected by grace, by grace a stranger below, and by grace a citizen above. By grace,--for so far as regards himself he is sprung from the same mass, all of which is condemned in its origin: but God,
like a potter (for this comparison is introduced by the apostle judiciously, and not without thought), of the same lump made one vessel to honor, another to dishonor.
-------------------
Genesis 4:1-10
------------------------
And the man knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man with the help of Jehovah. And again she bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto Jehovah. And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And Jehovah had respect unto Abel and to his offering: but unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. And Jehovah said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shall it not be lifted up? and if thou doest not well, sin coucheth at the door: and unto thee shall be its desire, but do thou rule over it. And Cain told Abel his brother. And it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. And Jehovah said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: am I my brother's keeper? And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.

Gina Carano, I Sleep...But My Heart is Awake For You

*dedicated to Kill Hannah, "Last Night Here"

I slept but my heart was awake.
Listen! My lover is knocking:


*heavy breathing*
(huuuuh...huuuuh....huuuuh)
(huuuuh....huuuuh....huuuuh)

---------------------[Gina Carano, I Will Scour the City of My Heart Looking For You]


Gina where are you?
Don’t ever leave me
I need you
I may sleep but fascination with you abides
my preoccupation with hopefulness, my defiant
optimism, my savage desire, my enduring admiration
my chronic dependence
on us

Stirs up restlessness within
I toss and I turn, reaching out
only to grasp vacancy on the left side of my bed
only to wipe tears of anguish from my eyes
I sit on the edge of the bed
waiting for you to reach your hand
through the latch-opening of my jubilant expectations
and come and love me

my heart pounds for you

you are the most wonderful woman I have ever known
your beauty and personality are an addiction
worth running out in the streets for
berserk with longing
not mindful of the dissidents (watchmen of the city)
intent on quelling this passion I hold dear to my bosom
for us
so they can beat me, bruise me and take away my
cloak (reason)
but I will still voice shrill screams
if anyone asks, tell Gina Carano
"I am faint with love"

*heavy breathing*
(huuuuh...huuuuh...huuuuh)
(huuuuh....huuuuh....huuuuh)



----[Song of Solomon 5:2-8]-------
I slept but my heart was awake.
Listen! My lover is knocking:
"Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one.
My head is drenched with dew,
my hair with the dampness of the night."
I have taken off my robe—
must I put it on again?
I have washed my feet—
must I soil them again?
My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening;
my heart began to pound for him.
I arose to open for my lover,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with flowing myrrh,
on the handles of the lock.
I opened for my lover,
but my lover had left; he was gone.
My heart sank at his departure
I looked for him but did not find him.
I called him but he did not answer.
The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
They beat me, they bruised me;
they took away my cloak,
those watchmen of the walls!
O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you—
if you find my lover,
what will you tell him?
Tell him I am faint with love.


--------------Kill Hannah, Last Night Here – Lyrics------------

This is our last night here
The air is cold as ice
All the trees that lost their leaves
Are reflected in our eyes
This is our last night here
Or so it seems
Silence like the darkest waters in a submarine...

This is our last night here
On planet Earth
And I don't want my heart
'Cause it always hurts
If this is our last night here
I won't kick and scream
I'll just grab onto you
And I don't want to breathe...

If this is our last night here for long
I'm gonna put this record on
I'm gonna burn this city down
And we'll watch the glow until it's gone
But before I go insane
There's something else to say
You thought you were alone
But I was with you all the way...

With you all the way
With you all the way...

If this is our last night here
On planet Earth
Then I'll give you my heart
'Cause it always hurts
If this is our last night here
I won't change a thing
I'll just grab onto you
And I'll feel you breathe...

If this is our last night here...
If this is our last night here...
If this is our last night here
I'll grab onto you
Just to feel you breathe...

Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...

Goats Goats and More Goats, Yall!

[The Incarnation is a splendid mystery to me in that Jesus simultaneously fills three roles as our Messiah…He is the High Priest, and Two Sacrificial Goats: The Goat Sacrificed to God and the Scapegoat. He is both the Offering and the Offeror, satisfying our debt of sin in His own body to His Father. Only He is uniquely qualified to do this - to blatantly confound human wisdom (on our behalf) yet remain perfectly sensible and reasonable to God. He was a living contradiction, a human wonderment both fully God and fully man…being and becoming yet transcending and remaining the same. He has made me a man who lovingly stares at Goats*]

I Am The man who (lovingly) stares at Goats

"Surely he hath borne our Griefs and carried our Sorrows; Yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of GOD and afflicted." (Isaiah 53:4) and "And the Goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities unto a Land not inhabited." (Leviticus 16:22)---------------------------------[Thrown In the Desert and Left For Dead; Parting Thoughts From a Scapegoat]

I was grazing
I was in my herd, when I heard thundering footsteps of men hurried
crimson veins extending from their pupils
nefarious expressions like a mask
shortened gasping breaths disguising men I once knew
as amicable neighbors
utterly uninvolved in my fate...
insouciant bystanders, indifferent denizens
transformed into monsters less rational
than myself. but these are hard times
and they snatched my brother and I away together
(and introduced us to a man in fanciful vestments)
I heard the screams of a harried bull
smelled the stench of blood before
lots fell near my feet and my brother hastily
tearfully...
met the same fate
his wailing encompassed by a cloud of incense smoke
seeping from behind a massive curtain
impaling my heavy heart now conflating fond memories
and shattered dreams
while the man lays two hands on my disconsolate head
recalling vile things, all things wicked all things horrific
apportioning the guilt and sole blame of a nation
on my weary soul
I am numb and troubled and barely able to stand (and thirsty)
as I am lead out into hot sands,
a barren desert - left alone
repudiated
forsaken



(an innocent left for dead)



---------------------------------------/
Leviticus 16
-The Day of Atonement -
The LORD spoke to Moses after the death of the two sons of Aaron who died when they approached the LORD. The LORD said to Moses: "Tell your brother Aaron not to come whenever he chooses into the Most Holy Place behind the curtain in front of the atonement cover on the ark, or else he will die, because I appear in the cloud over the atonement cover. "This is how Aaron is to enter the sanctuary area: with a young bull for a sin offering and a ram for a burnt offering. He is to put on the sacred linen tunic, with linen undergarments next to his body; he is to tie the linen sash around him and put on the linen turban. These are sacred garments; so he must bathe himself with water before he puts them on. From the Israelite community he is to take two male goats for a sin offering and a ram for a burnt offering. "Aaron is to offer the bull for his own sin offering to make atonement for himself and his household. Then he is to take the two goats and present them before the LORD at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. He is to cast lots for the two goats—one lot for the LORD and the other for the scapegoat. Aaron shall bring the goat whose lot falls to the LORD and sacrifice it for a sin offering. But the goat chosen by lot as the scapegoat shall be presented alive before the LORD to be used for making atonement by sending it into the desert as a scapegoat. "Aaron shall bring the bull for his own sin offering to make atonement for himself and his household, and he is to slaughter the bull for his own sin offering. He is to take a censer full of burning coals from the altar before the LORD and two handfuls of finely ground fragrant incense and take them behind the curtain. He is to put the incense on the fire before the LORD, and the smoke of the incense will conceal the atonement cover above the Testimony, so that he will not die. He is to take some of the bull's blood and with his finger sprinkle it on the front of the atonement cover; then he shall sprinkle some of it with his finger seven times before the atonement cover. "He shall then slaughter the goat for the sin offering for the people and take its blood behind the curtain and do with it as he did with the bull's blood: He shall sprinkle it on the atonement cover and in front of it. In this way he will make atonement for the Most Holy Place because of the uncleanness and rebellion of the Israelites, whatever their sins have been. He is to do the same for the Tent of Meeting, which is among them in the midst of their uncleanness. No one is to be in the Tent of Meeting from the time Aaron goes in to make atonement in the Most Holy Place until he comes out, having made atonement for himself, his household and the whole community of Israel. "Then he shall come out to the altar that is before the LORD and make atonement for it. He shall take some of the bull's blood and some of the goat's blood and put it on all the horns of the altar. He shall sprinkle some of the blood on it with his finger seven times to cleanse it and to consecrate it from the uncleanness of the Israelites. "When Aaron has finished making atonement for the Most Holy Place, the Tent of Meeting and the altar, he shall bring forward the live goat. He is to lay both hands on the head of the live goat and confess over it all the wickedness and rebellion of the Israelites—all their sins—and put them on the goat's head. He shall send the goat away into the desert in the care of a man appointed for the task. The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a solitary place; and the man shall release it in the desert. "Then Aaron is to go into the Tent of Meeting and take off the linen garments he put on before he entered the Most Holy Place, and he is to leave them there. He shall bathe himself with water in a holy place and put on his regular garments. Then he shall come out and sacrifice the burnt offering for himself and the burnt offering for the people, to make atonement for himself and for the people. He shall also burn the fat of the sin offering on the altar. "The man who releases the goat as a scapegoat must wash his clothes and bathe himself with water; afterward he may come into the camp. The bull and the goat for the sin offerings, whose blood was brought into the Most Holy Place to make atonement, must be taken outside the camp; their hides, flesh and offal are to be burned up. The man who burns them must wash his clothes and bathe himself with water; afterward he may come into the camp. "This is to be a lasting ordinance for you: On the tenth day of the seventh month you must deny yourselves and not do any work—whether native-born or an alien living among you- because on this day atonement will be made for you, to cleanse you. Then, before the LORD, you will be clean from all your sins. It is a sabbath of rest, and you must deny yourselves; it is a lasting ordinance. The priest who is anointed and ordained to succeed his father as high priest is to make atonement. He is to put on the sacred linen garments and make atonement for the Most Holy Place, for the Tent of Meeting and the altar, and for the priests and all the people of the community. "This is to be a lasting ordinance for you: Atonement is to be made once a year for all the sins of the Israelites." And it was done, as the LORD commanded Moses.

-----Hebrews 5:4-6------
No one takes this honor upon himself; he must be called by God, just as Aaron was. So Christ also did not take upon himself the glory of becoming a high priest. But God said to him,
"You are my Son;
today I have become your Father."And he says in another place,
"You are a priest forever,
in the order of Melchizedek."

This Isnt What Life Was Supposed to Become

--------------[The Internal Deliberations of Jesus on Gethsemane (Reprised)]


I feel flaccid
and I don’t want to be here
not anymore
Im at my wits end and tempted to regress
for just a moment’s respite, solace from the scorn of anxiety
and pretentious Pharisaic rumblings
I want to go back to the carpentry shop with dad again
(if possible)
and (seemingly) endless drifting
from sea to town and back to synagogue
with my cousins
and Mother
watching John baptize with anonymity
ribbing him for his attire
and admiring the pulchritude of the women around me
ginning up fantasies of family life
in small towns
musing on the serenity of normalcy
even while having full knowledge such a thing never existed
...at least not under these harrowing circumstances
but now my life flashes before my eyes
and blood pours from my forehead and cheeks
death was a consequence not a thing proposed
I never intended to meet the angel
with his sword drawn in the form of rotting wood and rusty nails
administered by sneering gentiles wreaking of incivility
life was never meant to be lived like this
we were supposed to be in a lush Garden
eating fruit
not murdering men meant to live forever


(God take this cup from me... please? Yet not my will but Yours be done)


----------------[ Luke 22:39-46]
Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation." He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."

A Garrulous Transfiguration

Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah
--------------------[Garrulous; The Thoughts of Peter Hunched Over On the Mount of Transfiguration]




Its easy for you
when dogged by life’s persistent squabbles
you simply climb a mountain
levitate, and luminesce
with the consolation of the law and the prophets…
(Moses and Elijah)
when I gaze at you I have to cower, shielding my eyes
your eyes so radiant
and clouds cloak the mountain
and muffle the thunderous baritone rumblings of God's voice
assuring you that your sanity remains
(I have no such private voice at my disposal)
though my sense of reality fritters away with each miracle
each man healed...or raised from the dead
or confrontation with the religious savants
everyone used to revere
and maybe Im starting to think...this is more than we all bargained
and maybe your mother and brothers thought so
or maybe they just wanted to say whats up
but I cant sleep at night anymore
and I don’t want you to die, and leave me behind to
sift and winnow through this preponderance of preternatural
phenomena
Im scared
and I want to erect three tents
ushering you all inside
so I can just run back down the mountain
and go back to my fishing boat
to make sense of it all




-----------------Matthew 17:1-9
After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus. Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!" When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. But Jesus came and touched them. "Get up," he said. "Don't be afraid." When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus. As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus instructed them, "Don't tell anyone what you have seen, until the Son of Man has been raised from the dead."

Taylor Swift, To Whom Shall I Go???

*Dedicated to Dashboard Confessional, "Remember to Breathe"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uL6n9TIA9k&feature=youtube_gdata

-------Taylor Lautner Who?!------[Taylor Swift, Your Words Are Eternal (To Me)]



Taylor, when I look at your picture
it forces me to close my eyes
...we are facing each other...standing in the center
of golden wheat fields (at high noon)
...steady winds
your hair (identical, a wheat hue) and white sundress are billowing in unison
as is my t-shirt

The sun peers betwixt two white clouds
asI reach for your cheek
before I come to

But these are just fantasies, and you
just a dream. But you see,
life has become so incorrigible without you;
so my vivid imagination is just the corollary
I was like a fisherman hauling in meager fish without you
I was like a tax collector oppressing
I was sitting under a tree, just pensive
before I saw you
love just called out "come, follow me"
and everything changed

Now, when I hear your beautiful voice
Inspiration wells up in my soul
…and I am healed
I can do anything, I can feed five thousand men
with only meager portions of fish and bread
I can hold my chest at night and feel my heart beating for you
so anxiously

Taylor, baby, I can never die
not as long as I can put in your CD
and muse
because you have the worlds of eternal life





"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." Matthew 4:19

--------
John 6:66-68
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.
We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."
----------------------------------

[Remember to Breathe Lyrics]
She fixes her lips,
They always look perfect.
Never a smudge line,
never too much.

I try on my blue shirt,
she told me she liked it...once.
She wonders what I'll wear.
She knows just what she'll wear.
She always wears blue.

So sneakers or flip-flops?
I'm starting to panic, (wait wait)
Remember she asked you,
remember to breathe.
And everything will be okay.

Okay
Okay
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright...
(whisper)Okay.