* dedicated to the Saul Ive become
* Jesus pray for me
* dedicated to ** - Hopefully you know who you are
* dedicated to Linkin Park, Leave Out All The Rest
www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZIummTz9mM
And Samuel said unto Saul, I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD hath rejected thee from being king over Israel. And as Samuel turned about to go away, he laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. – 1 Samuel 15:26-27
+-------------------------/Tony Conti, A King (Forever) Forsaken [1 Samuel 13-15]
When I came to know you, olive oil,
cinnamon, myrhh -poured
from a prophets horn-
onto my head and trickling down my beard,
I became a new man,
full of ebullience. Then I was, from
the shoulders up, taller than
all of my contemporaries
and well esteemed. Yet even then
I fled from my coronation seeking
refuge from my doubts in a cave,
quivering, uncertain of my competence,
frustrated at not fully knowing who I was,
and all that I was destined to transfigure into,
nebula of impatience,
and unsure if I was good enough for you.
When I was supposed to wait for you,
to treat you with dignity,
(so we could make our sacrifice together,
forbearing celerity)
I offered you the burnt offering of my
caprice, a testimony of my pride,
presumption and haste….sheep
and goats of my verbal malice towards you,
all women who ever hurt me,
slaughtered horrifically, partly with my hands
and partly with my dagger/laptop,
hastily enkindled by the fire of my angst
on a makeshift altar of feigned offense,
some of the animals burned alive.
Bleating wildly.
I was miffed at you
for making me wait on you, the ostensible
repudiation of all that I was:
time after time year after year Im never
a good enough guy to date,
further feeding my preexisting insecurities.
I cried like a child before during and after
the black smoke
of my disrespect for you began rising.
When you gave me the opportunity to
know you, to chase away the Philistine
fears of femininity reserved for men,
(questions of character, ethic, virtue
and intent)
I tarried, uncertain as to manner and
method, brooding
under a pomegranate tree.
This cowardice allowed opportunities for
other courageous men to rise up
and usurp my position, soldiers of
your deference on call to fight for me,
now in the service of others,
like Jonathan, son of Saul, mastering all
the conquests that his father could not.
I made those soldiers swear an oath
not to eat until I made myself
ready to approach you with courage,
and while the battle for your
heart raged on, they hungered.
When Jonathan finally rescued them
they ate meat anxiously...
with the blood still in it.
Its no wonder, then, that
you now look at me in horror.
When I was supposed
to walk in triumphant confidence
in God’s plan for your singleness
and mine, to live moment
by moment, to slay the Amalekite
ideals of trepidation, panic, cynicism,
and unbelief in His inherent Goodness,
I disobeyed. I reserved for myself
oxen and sheep of cynicism, and
the unbelief in God’s love
and Goodness towards me,
Agag the King. In my heart
I trembled at the thought of
staying single, and these
tenacious unrelenting thoughts
possessed me into regrettably
compulsive actions.
Now I have lost
the crown of your respect,
that once gleaming totem of
your smile decaying,
the anointing oil long since dried up.
Philistine armies of
censure, blame and denouncement
approach me. Men (a man?) who
are stronger than I,
better suited for your love
advance upon me (and you)
from all sides;
the love I stored for us,
the beating of my heart, impaled
on the battlefield
by my foolish sins.
I wanted the passage of time
to be my armor bearer,
to tell you that I never meant to hurt
you. That, truly, as much as
I want a relationship, I am deathly
afraid of it,
that irony of passionate desire
comingled with a man with a weak faith.
But time cant save me
from these self-inflicted mortal wounds,
nor spare me the shame of forever losing
your delight in what once
was a budding potentiality.
I pull out my sword
of sorrow and melancholy
and here fall upon it.
For the past few months,
death of my sleep at night.
(Forgive me?)
[To all the people that Ive hurt through my words, my actions, my inactions….I am forever sorry. Tonight I have died a little in my sorrow. Tonight I have repented and died a forsaken King. 3:33AM. June 15, 2015]
-------------1 Samuel 31:1-5
Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa. And the Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Malchishua, Saul's sons. And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers. Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.
----Leave out All The Rest Lyrics
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
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