A King's Love...With Regret #TaylorDateTony

* Jesus pray for me
* Saint King David, pray for me
* Dedicated to Jason Derulo, Want to Want Me
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rClUOdS5Zyw
* Dedicated to Taylor Swift
#TaylordateTony (Oh Tay Tay!!!, I want you to want me!!!)


Is it wrong?!! Well-well!!! Can I get an Amen-aahhhh!!! HEY GUYS!!! Is it wrong for me to, while I stand on the rooftop of my Castle of Great Romantic Expectations…Hall-AY-LOO-YER!!!! Oh Tay-Tay!!! Is it wrong for me to admire your beauty from afar as King of Israel??!! #WOOOOOO!!!! (Sorry Calvin Harris)


+---------------------/A King's Love...With Regret

Taylor, I am weary of fighting,
it makes my head hurt in bed,
my loneliness discomfits me greatly
as the children of Ammon, those
vile progenies of incest,
hooked nosed mercenaries with putrid
breath (pathetically slack handed using dagger
and bow),
who harbor merciless machinations to
despoil any thought I have of
a woman from ever loving me.
I loathe them in earnest. But I
have delegated the siege of their chief city,
Rabbah,
that grotesque epicenter of
all single persons’ despair with a sewage system
in disrepair and rotted failing crops of hope,
to my nephew Joab, appointed 
stalwart commander of the armies
of my self-esteem, campaigning to
make me into the kind of man who
makes women swoon, eventually.
Yet for now, I am content to lay back and dream.
On the rooftop of my amorous fantasizing
I logged onto YouTube and watched
your #BadBlood video again as if
peering down on you,
Daughter of Eliam, (the father of
all tall good looking blonde women)
your sweet, good natured charm ravishing
to behold in all of its purity and innocence,
the nakedness of real femininity
without worn pretense, angelic
melodies of your voice cleansing you
from all associations with your (untalented, tainted)
pop star contemporaries. I pretended
Calvin Harris was subservient to me,
a soldier under my auspices away, fighting
his own battles, Uriah the Hittite,
unaware of my passion as a royal courier
beckoning you to the King’s Chamber
of my ardent desire to date you and
kiss you. Then, finally, I imagined
us beholden to one another, your hair
still wet, beads of  bath water streaming
down your face captivated by my crown,
my hair still disheveled from
long nights of brooding.

Later, you would send me word,
that youre pregnant with child of
the veritable likelihood that we could be
together and rule my heart together –
Taylor Swift, Queen of the vast and thriving
Kingdom of Israel. In the end, my intense
and sinister fervor to secure our love
would send Uriah to the front lines
of the battlefield of your doubt and displeasure,
 to die as all men who lose their
girlfriends due to lack of attention and affection,
like Abimelech son Jerubbesheth,
 a millstone of miscommunication falling from
enemy walls crushing their skulls.
Though Calvin was an honorable man,
willing even to sleep outdoors
in solidarity with his fellow soldiers,
I would send forth and summon you to be
mine forever, me smiling an
uneasy smile, your head on my chest,
convincing myself
all is fair in love and war.


-------------2 Samuel 11
And it came to pass, at the return of the year, at the time when kings go out to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried at Jerusalem. And it came to pass at eventide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. And David send and inquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bath-sheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her (for she was purified from her uncleanness); and she returned unto her house. And the woman conceived; and she sent and told David, and said, I am with child. And David sent to Joab, saying, Send me Uriah the Hittite. And Joab sent Uriah to David. And when Uriah was come unto him, David asked of him how Joab did, and how the people fared, and how the war prospered. And David said to Uriah, Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet. And Uriah departed out of the king's house, and there followed him a mess of food from the king. But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house. And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house, David said unto Uriah, Art thou not come from a journey? wherefore didst thou not go down unto thy house? And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in booths; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open field; shall I then go into my house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? as thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing. And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to-day also, and to-morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow. And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house. And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah. And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die. And it came to pass, when Joab kept watch upon the city, that he assigned Uriah unto the place where he knew that valiant men were. And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell some of the people, even of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also. Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war; and he charged the messenger, saying, When thou hast made an end of telling all the things concerning the war unto the king, it shall be that, if the king's wrath arise, and he say unto thee, Wherefore went ye so nigh unto the city to fight? knew ye not that they would shoot from the wall? who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? did not a woman cast an upper millstone upon him from the wall, so that he died at Thebez? why went ye so nigh the wall? then shalt thou say, Thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also. So the messenger went, and came and showed David all that Joab had sent him for. And the messenger said unto David, The men prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we were upon them even unto the entrance of the gate. And the shooters shot at thy servants from off the wall; and some of the king's servants are dead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also. Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, Let not this thing displease thee, for the sword devoureth one as well as another; make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him. And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she made lamentation for her husband. And when the mourning was past, David sent and took her home to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased Jehovah

------Want to Want Me Lyrics

It's too hard to sleep
I got the sheets on the floor
Nothing on me
And I can't take it no more
It's a hundred degrees
I got one foot out the door
Where are my keys?
'Cause I gotta leave, yeah

In the back of the cab
I tipped the driver ahead of time
Get me there fast
I got your body on my mind
I want it bad
Ooh, just the thought of you gets me so high, so high

Girl, you're the one I want to want me
And if you want me, girl, you got me
There's nothin' I,no, I wouldn't do, I wouldn't do
Just to get up next to you

Girl, you're the one I want to want me
And if you want me, girl, you got me
There's nothin' I, no, I wouldn't do, I wouldn't do
Just to get up next to you
Just to get up next to you

You open the door
Wearing nothing but a smile, fell to the floor
And you whisper in my ear, "Baby, I'm yours."
Ooh, just the thought of you gets me so high, so high
-Girl, you're the one I want to want me
And if you want me, girl, you got me
There's nothin' I,no, I wouldn't do, I wouldn't do
Just to get up next to you
-Girl, you're the one I want to want me
And if you want me, girl, you got me
There's nothin' I,no, I wouldn't do, I wouldn't do
Just to get up next to you
Just to get up next to you

Just the thought of you gets me so high, so high
Ooh, just the thought of you gets me so high, so high

Girl, you're the one I want to want me
And if you want me, girl, you got me
There's nothin' I, no, I wouldn't do, I wouldn't do
Just to get up next to you

Girl, you're the one I want to want me
And if you want me, girl, you got me
There's nothin' I,no, I wouldn't do, I wouldn't do
Just to get up next you (I would do anything)
Just to get up next you (anything and everything)
Just to get up next to you (baby)
Just to get up next to you
Get up, get up!

To Sit Under Your Palm Tree (Dedicated to Amanda Seyfried) #AmandaFreeTony

* Jesus pray for me
* Dedicated to Amanda Seyfried
* Dedicated to Fetty Wap, Come My Way (Remix)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvu0Q4Cl7pU
#AmandaFreeTony

OH AMANDA, BABY WONT YOU COME MY WAAAAAAY??? FREE ME FROM THIS PROLONGED LONELINESS!!! OH BABY IVE BEEN UNDER CANAANITE RULE FOR TOO LONG!!!! BTW TED 2 COMES OUT IN THEATERS THIS WEEKEND YALL!!! WOOOO!
+-------/To  Sit Under Your Palm Tree; Deborah and Barak/Amanda Seyfried and Tony Conti

Amanda, my emotions are Hebrew
people distressed,
crying out for deliverance from
cruel (unceasingly strident)
despotic debasements
of singleness meted out by agonizing
fears of being alone forever, Jabin
King of Hazor. I strive
to wrest from the control of my mind
these monstrous, warmongering 
ideas that I am unlovable to girls,
undateable as from some 
diabolical thick helmeted man wielding
a haunted and rusty iron spear,
dried blood on the tip, (screams
of his victims in the wind of its thrusts)
Sisera captain of the King’s Army,
commander of nine hundred iron
chariots of a shy man’s despair.
All my collective soul - Israelites drawn away
from past afflictions by other girls in Egypt
in search for repose-
has known is oppression; Actually that was
before I saw Ted 2, before I knew the
soul soothing comforts of
your blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes, rare
gems of my earth, replete with a sexy smile,
as judge and guide of our fortunes,
presiding over hopeful tomorrows. Baby,
listen, I cannot fell my callous foes alone, trust me.
I need support under the Palm
Tree of your sweet presence,
solace in the wisdom seat of us dating,
your kisses rendering decisions of joy,
the soft prudent proclamations in my ear
of your love toppling my longsuffering. Preside,
please, over my heart and lead me,
lead me into this dubious battle for romance,
to reclaim the sovereignty of my self-confidence,
plumes of dust underneath ten thousand
horse hooves of vindication from
Zebulun and Naphtali, by my side.
For without you right next to me, I will stay defeated-
I dare not lift a finger though presentiments
of this horrid fate linger on in my dreams,
I toss and turn at night howling “Will I ever
find my wife??!!!”.
I know, in the end, however I sacrifice
my own glory and won’t win any man points for
appealing to my penury, begging you to date me
though poem as opposed to acquiring an A-List
acting role in some prodigious summer movie
on my own,
apportioning any reward in the Skirmish
to my cowardice, Jael, wife of Heber.
Rather than stand on my own merits courageously,
I would rather she succor him with milk of my shame,
rather a housewife of social faux paus drive
a tent peg of my embarrassment through his head,
Sisera captain of the King’s persecution, bleeding
in the tent of my ignominy,
as long as I get to ride back to Israel
with my hand clasped by yours,
reveling in the liberation of loving you, 
our noses touching, our eyes sharing gazes.
  

-------------Judges 4
And the children of Israel again did that which was evil in the sight of Jehovah, when Ehud was dead. And Jehovah sold them into the hand of Jabin king of Canaan, that reigned in Hazor; the captain of whose host was Sisera, who dwelt in Harosheth of the Gentiles. And the children of Israel cried unto Jehovah: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron; and twenty years he mightily oppressed the children of Israel. Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth, she judged Israel at that time. And she dwelt under the palm-tree of Deborah between Ramah and Beth-el in the hill-country of Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. And she sent and called Barak the son of Abinoam out of Kedesh-naphtali, and said unto him, Hath not Jehovah, the God of Israel, commanded, saying, Go and draw unto mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men of the children of Naphtali and of the children of Zebulun? And I will draw unto thee, to the river Kishon, Sisera, the captain of Jabin's army, with his chariots and his multitude; and I will deliver him into thy hand. And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go; but if thou wilt not go with me, I will not go. And she said, I will surely go with thee: notwithstanding, the journey that thou takest shall not be for thine honor; for Jehovah will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak to Kedesh. And Barak called Zebulun and Naphtali together to Kedesh; and there went up ten thousand men at his feet: and Deborah went up with him. Now Heber the Kenite had separated himself from the Kenites, even from the children of Hobab the brother-in-law of Moses, and had pitched his tent as far as the oak in Zaanannim, which is by Kedesh. And they told Sisera that Barak the son of Abinoam was gone up to mount Tabor. And Sisera gathered together all his chariots, even nine hundred chariots of iron, and all the people that were with him, from Harosheth of the Gentiles, unto the river Kishon. And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which Jehovah hath delivered Sisera into thy hand; is not Jehovah gone out before thee? So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him. And Jehovah discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword before Barak; and Sisera alighted from his chariot, and fled away on his feet. But Barak pursued after the chariots, and after the host, unto Harosheth of the Gentiles: and all the host of Sisera fell by the edge of the sword; there was not a man left. Howbeit Sisera fled away on his feet to the tent of Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite; for there was peace between Jabin the king of Hazor and the house of Heber the Kenite. And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And he turned in unto her into the tent, and she covered him with a rug. And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. And he said unto her, Stand in the door of the tent, and it shall be, when any man doth come and inquire of thee, and say, Is there any man here? that thou shalt say, No. Then Jael Heber's wife took a tent-pin, and took a hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the pin into his temples, and it pierced through into the ground; for he was in a deep sleep; so he swooned and died. And, behold, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said unto him, Come, and I will show thee the man whom thou seekest. And he came unto her; and, behold, Sisera lay dead, and the tent-pin was in his temples. So God subdued on that day Jabin the king of Canaan before the children of Israel. And the hand of the children of Israel prevailed more and more against Jabin the king of Canaan, until they had destroyed Jabin king of Canaan

----My Way (Remix) Lyrics

[Hook: Fetty Wap]
 Baby, won't you come my way?
 Got something I want to say
 Cannot keep you out my brain
 But first off I'ma start by saying this, ayy
 All headshots if you think you could take my b*, ayy
 And I'm too turnt, when I shoot, swear I won't miss, ayy
 Ba-Baby, won't you come my way?
 Baby, won't you come my way?

 [Verse 1: Fetty Wap]
Ba-Ba-Baby
 This is something you should know, I don't ever chase no h*
 I spotted you, you had that glow, watch me pull out all this dough
 Take you where you want to go, flexing on your ex, I know
 He ain't ever take you out, barely even left your house
 How dare that n* run his mouth when his pockets in a drought
 The last single he put out didn't even make it out
 And he dumb as hell and I swear his ass don't think, ayy
If he disrespect, two shots and I won't blink, ayy
 Never really cared what the f* these n* think, ayy
I got deep pockets and I swear my s* on sink, ayy
And he mad as f*, big ZooWap all she sing, ayy
 And he mad as f*, big ZooWap in her dreams, ayy
 Well he mad as f*, when they sex, she scream for me, ayy
 Big ZooWap what these n* should be, ayy

[Hook: Fetty Wap]
 Baby, won't you come my way?
 Got something I want to say
 Cannot keep you out my brain
 But first off I'ma start by saying this, ayy
 All headshots if you think you could take my bitch, ayy
 And I'm too turnt, when I shoot, swear I won't miss, ayy
 Ba-Baby, won't you come my way?
 Baby, won't you come my way?

 [Verse 2: Drake]
All I gotta do is put my mind to this s*, g*!
Cancel out my ex, I put a line through that b*
I like all my S's with two lines through them s*
Everybody tryna fuck you but I'm fine with that shit
 I never mind, girl that's just you
I know you work hard for your shit
You know they gon' hate
 Just don't play no part in that s*
They should call me James
 Cause I'm goin' hard in this b*
We're just so much smarter than them
Maybe I just needed you around me
Drank a lot tonight, I know
 She can drive your car and you can roll
 Take you where you wanna go
First off, I'ma start by sayin' this
 G*d*, g*d*

[Hook: Fetty Wap]
 Baby, won't you come my way?
 Got something I want to say
 Cannot keep you out my brain
 But first off I'ma start by saying this, ayy
 All headshots if you think you could take my b*, ayy
 And I'm too turnt, when I shoot, swear I won't miss, ayy
 Ba-Baby, won't you come my way?
 Baby, won't you come my way?

The Never Ending Story Of You

* Jesus pray for me
* Jesus, please, remember me in Your Kingdom. Who knows? Perhaps they'll write books about you and me one day? Amen.

Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. - John 21:25

+---------------/The Never Ending Story Of You; Reflections of Saint John On Jesus' Life

When we first met, I knew
you were the type they
write stories about. Tall,
dark, broody, and full 
of implacable conviction, this
dogged and determined identification
with divine purpose. The beard,
the miracles,
the unprecedented respect for women
and astoundingly fervent chagrin
for our religious aristocrats
were (for me) just ostentatious flourish,
a prototypical historiographer’s
dream deferred suddenly realized,
the joy, the dancing,
the controlled delirium of Josephus
finally finding his Worthy Subject.
It wasn’t that you simply changed
lives, deftly defying a diversity
of dire dilemmas
by redefining our definitions of
impossible odds, you reoriented
reality; As if prior to your birth,
Jerusalem and Rome
were enveloped in absolute darkness,
our hopes and dreams formless,
just a spirit hovering over the waters
of anticipation for something greater
than ourselves we didn’t know
we needed (or wanted) yet.
But now you have walked, effortlessly,
on waters of our wildest fantasies as
dry land,
raising our acuity- like an ailing daughter,
a flailing spasmodic boy with wicked
proclivities for rolling in fire, then water,
your friend rotting behind stone four days -
from the dead.
You talked of Heaven, of being Son of
the Great Creator, how then could 
anyone refrain from wanting to write
and remember every word,
be enthralled with your every breath?
When someone loves a man and believes in him,
they reminisce sentimentally- dwelling on
myriad true tales of greatness that…
can never be exhausted.











/////(You spawned a gold coin from
a fish’s mouth, you multiplied
fives loaves a thousand fold, you
transformed water into wine,
you cured blindness with mud, healed
leprosy in ten men simultaneously,
you forgave an prostitute’s sins,
Oh Jesus, Jesus!
remember that one time…)///////

Prison Break

*Jesus pray for me
* dedicated to anyone going through a tough time right now
* dedicated to all souls imprisoned

+--------------------------/Prison Break; Jesus' Words To The Souls In Prison

"Your eyes have been closed
for too long, lips pursed
speaking with clenched jaw
only of death, of
your last moments spent on earth
dying, and of being reprobate.
There are no walls here,
no colors,
nor solid material forms, all
is one vast expanse of unrelenting notions,
an unending level plane of hazy consciousness
contrasted against black dreariness,
the blackness perceived
only through emotion,
an assembly of woeful hearts in
the desert without sun, moon or stars.
Yet hopelessness echoes-
thoughts of despair reverberating as
if deflecting off prison walls of solid stone,
regret is like dank air,
memories like chains rusting on flayed skin,
your past sins are callous jailers swinging keys
of your failed dreams before you
just beyond arm’s reach. Whisperings of
names of the ones you used to love
encircle you, tickling your ears before
you try to sleep,
allowing you no convalescence.    
I understand your sorrow fully.
But now the time has come,
to stand up and claim your new flesh
and bone. Displace the ether of
this depression with belief and matter,
life beyond iron bars, and realize that
prophesied mass liberation has come to all-
faith, hope, salvation, forgiveness, love-
that the only incarcerated souls who remain
are those who have simply refused
a God crucified for this Objective Truth:   
That to believe in me is to finally see again."


-------------------1 Peter 3:18-19
For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit; in which also He went and made proclamation to the spirits now in prison

--------------------Isaiah 49:8-9 Thus says the LORD, "In a favorable time I have answered You, And in a day of salvation I have helped You; And I will keep You and give You for a covenant of the people, To restore the land, to make them inherit the desolate heritages; Saying to those who are bound, 'Go forth,' To those who are in darkness, 'Show yourselves.' Along the roads they will feed, And their pasture will be on all bare heights.

Tony Conti, A King (Forever) Forsaken [1 Samuel 13-15] #iamkingsaul

* dedicated to the Saul Ive become
* Jesus pray for me
* dedicated to ** - Hopefully you know who you are
* dedicated to Linkin Park, Leave Out All The Rest
www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZIummTz9mM

#iamkingsaul

And Samuel said unto Saul, I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD hath rejected thee from being king over Israel. And as Samuel turned about to go away, he laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. – 1 Samuel 15:26-27

+-------------------------/Tony Conti, A King (Forever) Forsaken  [1 Samuel 13-15]

When I came to know you, olive oil,
cinnamon, myrhh -poured
from a prophets horn-
onto my head and trickling  down my beard,
I became a new man,
full of ebullience. Then I was, from
the shoulders up, taller than
all of my contemporaries
and well esteemed. Yet even then
I fled from my coronation seeking
refuge from my doubts in a cave,
quivering, uncertain of my competence,
frustrated at not fully knowing who I was,
and all that I was destined to transfigure into,
nebula of impatience,
and unsure if I was good enough for you.

When I was supposed to wait for you,
to treat you with dignity,
(so we could make our sacrifice together,
forbearing celerity)
I offered you the burnt offering of my
caprice, a testimony of my pride,
presumption and haste….sheep
and goats of my verbal malice towards you,
all women who ever hurt me,
slaughtered horrifically, partly with my hands
and partly with my dagger/laptop, 
hastily enkindled by the fire of my angst
on a makeshift altar of feigned offense,
some of  the animals burned alive.
Bleating wildly.
I was miffed at you
for making me wait on you, the ostensible
repudiation of all that I was:
time after time year after year Im never
a good enough guy to date,
further feeding my preexisting insecurities.
I cried like a child before during and after
the black smoke
of my disrespect for you began rising.

When you gave me the opportunity to
know you, to chase away the Philistine
fears of femininity reserved for men,
(questions of character, ethic, virtue
and intent)
I tarried, uncertain as to manner and
method, brooding
under a pomegranate tree.
This cowardice allowed opportunities for
other courageous men to rise up  
and usurp my position, soldiers of
your deference on call to fight for me,
now in the service of others,
like Jonathan, son of Saul, mastering all
the conquests that his father could not.
I made those soldiers swear an oath
not to eat until I made myself
ready to approach you with courage,
and while the battle for your
heart raged on, they hungered.
When Jonathan finally rescued them
 they ate meat anxiously...
with the blood still in it.
Its no wonder, then, that
you now look at me in horror.

When I was supposed
to walk in triumphant confidence
in God’s plan for your singleness
and mine, to live moment
by moment, to slay the Amalekite
ideals of trepidation, panic, cynicism,
and unbelief in His inherent Goodness,
I disobeyed. I reserved for myself
oxen and sheep of cynicism, and
the unbelief in God’s love
and Goodness towards me,
Agag the King. In my heart
I trembled at the thought of
staying single, and these
tenacious unrelenting thoughts
possessed me into regrettably
compulsive actions.

 Now I have lost
the crown of your respect,
that once gleaming totem of
your smile decaying,
the anointing oil long since dried up.
Philistine armies of
censure, blame and denouncement
approach me. Men (a man?) who
are stronger than I,
better suited for your love
advance upon me (and you)
from all sides;
the love I stored for us,
the beating of my heart, impaled
on the battlefield
by my foolish sins.
I wanted the passage of time
to be my armor bearer,
to tell you that I never meant to hurt
you. That, truly, as much as
I want a relationship, I am deathly
afraid of it,
that irony of passionate desire
comingled with a man with a weak faith.
But time cant save me
from these self-inflicted mortal wounds,
nor spare me the shame of forever losing
your delight in what once
was a budding potentiality.
I pull out my sword
of sorrow and melancholy
 and here fall upon it.
For the past few months,
death of my sleep at night.




(Forgive me?)

[To all the people that Ive hurt through my words, my actions, my inactions….I am forever sorry. Tonight I have died a little in my sorrow. Tonight I have repented and died a forsaken King. 3:33AM. June 15, 2015]

-------------1 Samuel 31:1-5
Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa. And the Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Malchishua, Saul's sons. And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers. Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.

----Leave out All The Rest Lyrics

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

I Killed Jesus

* Mary Mother of God, pray for me
* Saint Longinus, pray for me
#tonythecenturion

+------------------/I Killed Him; The Thoughts Of The Centurion (Longinus) At The Feet Of The Crucifix


There are certain things a man sees
that are indelible,
and change him drastically
from the inside out, scars on the soul,
fatal wounds of conscience,
things that in his estimation deem him
forever
a violator of nature
a perverter of law
a friend of fiends, strange companion
of sacrilege.  Caesar’s (may the gods
render him his due) Law usually
consigns these men to Hades,
cursed flotilla of the damned drifting down
a River Styx
of their own treasonous blood, boats of their
melancholy buoyed by repressive guilt,
the current strengthened by
bitterness of their victims channeled
to them after death.
Yet these men usually, despite their
best contrarian efforts,
have hollowed woebegone eyes
upon their floggings after sentencing,
and when hoisted up on their crosses,
or thrown in prison cells as future
food for lions in the amphitheater
look downwards -
past their feet, past the ground supporting
them directly into Pluto’s eyes,
allowing him to relish in their shame,
preparing themselves to be his slaves
forever more, these dead men pining to
stop breathing. But this….”King of the Jews”
never looked that way, his eyes were
always directed towards the sky,
vibrant, and full of life and innocence
notwithstanding his agony and pain.
I heard him pray for me just before
the earthquake, before the buried
inexplicably emancipated themselves
from their own graves
gingerly limping as they fidgeted
with their stiff, pallid, putrid skin,
stumbling around groaning 
enervatedly.  
What man asks mercy for the very
one who would soon after lance his
dead body with a sordid grin?  What man does
the very sun in the sky  mourn for?
Truly this man was no mortal, but
a son of the gods, or maybe even
God himself, his unjust death
grieving the world he created.
And I killed him.


[Jesus forgive me for all the people Ive hurt in my life, all the ways Ive misrepresented you to the world. Forgive me for all the pain I cause you when I sin.]

-----------------------Matthew 27:45-54
Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias. And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink. The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him. Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many. Now when the centurion, and they that were with him, watching Jesus, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they feared greatly, saying, Truly this was the Son of God.

Me On Mount Sinai

* Moses pray for me

+------------Me On Mount Sinai: Moses’ Thoughts Before Traveling Up Mount Sinai In Front of All Of Israel

A cloud by day and fire by
night are, at times, barely enough
signs of heavenly solidarity
to stem the neuroses of a people
still tending to slave scabs on their backs
borne of whips, clefts on either side of
their faces from gouged eyes for poor production,
en masse. A people who still startle
at the faintest whisper of a child nursed
whilst they sleep in their tents, ghosts of
the firstborn dead in Egypt
now come to claim their kin as restitution.
The constellations, they tell me,
were much brighter in Egypt, the food
more succulent, the women’s
eyes there more alluring, adorned with
malachite and black kohl.
They selectively recall that they never
thirsted there, and while stricken with
delusory angst, sing to me and Aaron
of Pharaoh’s Well
that all Hebrews drew water from in
buckets of gold. This well and the buckets
never existed.
However as of late I too am succumbing,
partially, to this infectious and contagious unbelief:
in my dreams
scorpions incessantly pinching me,
snakes wrapping themselves around my neck   
impel me to resist and shriek wildly in
impassioned defense, yet when I wake
drenched in sweat, silver chariots drowning in
the Red Sea, my wife sobs- inconsolably
terrified. Under her breath, quivering, hymns once
promulgated by the Queen.
Oh God, please show these people that you burn
for Hebrew emancipation, you too salivate
at the thought of Milk and Honey.
Let fire envelope a mountain in Sinai,
peals of thunder accompanied by a trembling
violent earth,
the smoke and ashes thereof like
the speech of a barbarous, indignant dragon
eulogizing Pharaoh forever, yellow eyes glazed
indifferent to death, indomitable tail,
broad webbed wings.   
Convince these people that before us lies
not a jaunt but a journey, but a journey
we do not travel alone. Speak....
because the people need to hear you still
love them.
That you still love me.
I need to know that you still love me.


----------------------Exodus 19:1-20
In the third month after the people of Israel left Egypt, they came to the Sinai Desert on the same day.   They had left Rephidim and had come to the Sinai Desert. There Israel set up their tents in front of the mountain.  And Moses went up to God. The Lord called to him from the mountain, saying, “Say this to the house of Jacob and tell the people of Israel:  ‘You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to Myself.  Now then, if you will obey My voice and keep My agreement, you will belong to Me from among all nations. For all the earth is Mine.  You will be to Me a nation of religious leaders, a holy nation.’ These are the words you will speak to the people of Israel.” So Moses came and called the leaders of the people. He told them all these words which the Lord had told him.  And all the people answered together and said, “We will do all that the Lord has said!” Then Moses went to tell the Lord what the people had said.  The Lord said to Moses, “See, I will come to you in a thick cloud. So the people may hear when I speak with you, and may believe you forever.” Then Moses told the Lord what the people had said.  The Lord said to Moses, “Go to the people. Today and tomorrow set them apart to be holy. Have them wash their clothes.  And let them be ready for the third day. For on the third day people will see the Lord come down on Mount Sinai.  Let the people know the places all around that they must not pass. Tell them, ‘Be careful that you do not go up on the mountain or touch any place around it. Whoever touches the mountain will be put to death.  No hand will touch him. But he will be killed with stones or arrows. If he be animal or man, he will not live.’ When a long sound from a horn is heard, they may come up to the mountain.” So Moses went down from the mountain to the people. He set the people apart to be holy, and they washed their clothes.  He said to the people, “Be ready for the third day. Do not go near a woman.” On the morning of the third day there was thunder and lightning. A cloud covered the mountain, and a very loud horn sounded. All the people among the tents shook with fear.  Then Moses brought the people from among the tents to meet God. They stood at the base of the mountain.  Mount Sinai was all in smoke because the Lord came down upon it in fire. Its smoke went up like the smoke of a stove. And the whole mountain shook.  The sound of the horn became louder and louder. Moses spoke, and God answered him with thunder.  Then the Lord came down upon Mount Sinai, to the top of the mountain. The Lord called Moses to the top of the mountain, and he went up.

Spiritual Bootcamp Lesson #1 - The Fortieth Night

*Jesus pray for me

SPIRITUAL BOOTCAMP LESSON 1:  BE THE 17 PERCENT. ATTEN-HUT!!!!

+------------------/The Fortieth Night: Caleb’s Narration of His and Joshua’s Last Night in Canaan to The Congregation of Israel.


Scale the wall, clutch dagger with no fear
scale the wall and clutch your dagger…
fearlessly
we nervously reassure ourselves with mantra
prior to reconnaissance, huddled together
around destiny’s flame,
the crackle of the bonfire translating our prayers
to heaven as white smoke,
those ineffable words softly spoken
(of hope, fear and faith)
from our hearts to hallowed wood-
chopped in desperation,
with axes we held to our chest as
the angel of death killed Pharaoh’s firstborn.  
We run then, almost blindly,
in the night, Captain Moon directing
our steps with a steely (somewhat
beguiling) gaze, overseeing stars in noxious
martial formation, flanking right and left
illumining our eyes to both danger and
opportunity, predator and prey, yet deviously
withholding from us the identities of each role.
We climb. We crouch. We lurk.
A humongous cluster of grapes carried
upon a staff, nature’s interrogation of the soul,
unveil different milieus between
the ten other spies and us two:
those born insects and those men.
Grapes too large for ten servile mouths quivering
that the Anakim and Amalekites
“heard branches snapping, make haste!”
will never overcome their cowardice,
men-cum-grasshoppers hopping
and chirping back to Moses shamefacedly.   
But the two of us, feet submerged in
the brook of Eschol, cavalierly, close our eyes
and exhale restfully in Hebron:
“The bigger the grape, pomegranate and fig,
the more food apportioned to our
wives and children, cursed be the men,
of gargantuan stature or not, who oppose us.”
“This land is ours to possess.”
Stealthily departing, 
as we cast a glance back at Canaan one final time,
predator to prey,
a moonbeam portentously unveils a set of
yellow eyes in the distance, glowing, it seems,
ten feet from the ground. The sharp tip of a spear
held high, spark from a nebulous mystery
astral realm, refracts 
staggering light back into our eyes, 
temporarily blinding us.  



[GUYS, ARE YOU GOING TO BE ONE OF THE TEN, WHO DOUBT THAT GOD CAN HELP YOU OVERCOME GREAT ADVERSITY? THE 83% OF THOSE IN THE WORLD WHO DOUBT AND COMPLAIN? OR ARE YOU GOING TO BE LIKE JOSHUA AND CALEB? THE 17% OF THOSE SPECIAL, ELITE FOLK WHO HAVE FAITH IN WHAT THEY CANT QUITE SEE YET, BELIEVING THAT WITH GOD THEY CAN POSSESS ANY DREAM THEY HAVE SET IN THEIR HEARTS? THAT ADVERSITY AND OPPOSITION IS OPPORTUNITY??!! WHAT DO YOU FEAR MOST? GIVE YOUR FEARS TO GOD AND BE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO LIVE YOUR LIFE FULLY IN SPITE OF THEM!!! HUUUAAAHHHH!!!! DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY SOLDIERS!!! BREAK IT ON DOWN....BREAK IT ON DOWWNNN....LEFT RIIIIGGGHHTT LEFT!!!]

-----------Numbers 13-14:10
And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying, Send thou men, that they may search the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel: of every tribe of their fathers shall ye send a man, every one a ruler among them. And Moses by the commandment of the Lord sent them from the wilderness of Paran: all those men were heads of the children of Israel. And these were their names: of the tribe of Reuben, Shammua the son of Zaccur.
Of the tribe of Simeon, Shaphat the son of Hori.
Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Jephunneh.
Of the tribe of Issachar, Igal the son of Joseph.
Of the tribe of Ephraim, Oshea the son of Nun.
Of the tribe of Benjamin, Palti the son of Raphu.
Of the tribe of Zebulun, Gaddiel the son of Sodi.
Of the tribe of Joseph, namely, of the tribe of Manasseh, Gaddi the son of Susi.
Of the tribe of Dan, Ammiel the son of Gemalli.
Of the tribe of Asher, Sethur the son of Michael.
Of the tribe of Naphtali, Nahbi the son of Vophsi.
Of the tribe of Gad, Geuel the son of Machi.
These are the names of the men which Moses sent to spy out the land. And Moses called Oshea the son of Nun Jehoshua. And Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan, and said unto them, Get you up this way southward, and go up into the mountain: And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many; And what the land is that they dwell in, whether it be good or bad; and what cities they be that they dwell in, whether in tents, or in strong holds; And what the land is, whether it be fat or lean, whether there be wood therein, or not. And be ye of good courage, and bring of the fruit of the land. Now the time was the time of the firstripe grapes. So they went up, and searched the land from the wilderness of Zin unto Rehob, as men come to Hamath. And they ascended by the south, and came unto Hebron; where Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the children of Anak, were. (Now Hebron was built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.) And they came unto the brook of Eshcol, and cut down from thence a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff; and they brought of the pomegranates, and of the figs. The place was called the brook Eshcol, because of the cluster of grapes which the children of Israel cut down from thence. And they returned from searching of the land after forty days. And they went and came to Moses, and to Aaron, and to all the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the wilderness of Paran, to Kadesh; and brought back word unto them, and unto all the congregation, and shewed them the fruit of the land. And they told him, and said, We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it. Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great: and moreover we saw the children of Anak there. The Amalekites dwell in the land of the south: and the Hittites, and the Jebusites, and the Amorites, dwell in the mountains: and the Canaanites dwell by the sea, and by the coast of Jordan. And Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. But the men that went up with him said, We be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we. And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness! And wherefore hath the Lord brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives and our children should be a prey? were it not better for us to return into Egypt? And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel. And Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, which were of them that searched the land, rent their clothes: And they spake unto all the company of the children of Israel, saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land. If the Lord delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey. Only rebel not ye against the Lord, neither fear ye the people of the land; for they are bread for us: their defence is departed from them, and the Lord is with us: fear them not. But all the congregation bade stone them with stones. And the glory of the Lord appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel.