[The setting: While listening to Rebecca St. James’ latest worship album, Tony is raptured in spiritual ecstasy up to Heaven where he is immediately transported to Samson’s 3 story brick and stone mansion. Tony, shocked at the lack of doors in all of the mansions, approaches Samson after letting himself in and following downstairs what sounds to be a bombastic arcade game. Tony notices Samson reclining on a lazyboy chair his gaze steadily affixed on a 77 inch flat screen plasma television set while clasping with both hands what appears to be an Xbox 360 controller. Samson is wearing Nike shoes without socks, a black tank-top and striped orange basketball shorts. His shoulder length hair appears to have just been loosed from a pony tail. Just beyond the lazyboy chair is what appears to be a lion skin, most likely an artifact from his days on earth. Tony assesses that this must be Samson’s basement. The walls are bare, and the floor is comprised of bare wood-paneling, though with a glossy finish. There is a fireplace just to the right of the chair, and a plush green futon on the side of the room opposite the fireplace. There is a coordinated desk and chair set with an iPad2 and Dell Laptop on it adjacent to the futon. After his quick appraisal of the room, Tony approaches Samson primed to interrupt his seemingly endless Street Fighter 4 gaming session:]
Tony: WHAAAAT UP SON?
Samson [pausing Street Fighter 4 and turning his head, a bit startled]: ….Tony? Is that you? How did you get here, isn’t it a little too early for you to be here? Youre not supposed to get here until…
[The Archangel Gabriel appears and admonishes Samson not to disclose the exact hour of Tony’s entry into Heaven, and then vanishes.]
Samson: …..never mind. So listen, my dude, you have interrupted a titillating match! I was STRAIGHT giving it to that cat online! I LOVE USING DHALISM!
Tony: wait, so there’s online connectivity in Heaven? THERE’S AN INTERNET IN HEAVEN?
Samson [with an incredulous look, as though recognition of internet in Heaven should be patently obvious]: uhh….YEAH! How else do you think I can play CS Lewis and consistently beat his agonizingly predictable Chun-Li? His mansion is way on the other side, near the Benjamin gate! You expect me to just whiff over there unannounced? Come on dawg. Plus how else could I justify my Xbox live monthly fee? After all, THE PLAYSTATION NETWORK IS PRONE TO HACKING ATTACKS! You think I want my personal information exposed?
Tony [head spinning]: …..woooah. WOOOAH. [chuckling in disbelief] AM I DREAMING!!! You know what? You have left so many loose strands there that need to be tied up that Id best leave all of those implausibilities alone. I mean I don’t even know which logical absurdity to pick apart first. There cant possibly be enough time to flesh all of your senseless chatter out.
Samson [bemused]: HUH?
Tony: Nothing. I mean, cant you…I mean isn’t it futile to have…I mean cant you do stuff without constraints up here? Why tether yourself to Xbox Live and Bill Gates when you can FREAKING LIVE FOREVER AND FLY AND STUFF?
Samson: Listen dude, you are speaking so 21st century right now its disgusting. Think about it….do you know when I was born dude? You think I had a chance to play Xbox as a FRICKING JUDGE OF ANCIENT ISRAEL? HUH??
Tony: ……….er…good point
Samson: I mean, dude, I HAD TO, NO JOKE, BATHE IN A FRICKING RIVER! WHILE BEARS WATCHED ME DESIROUS OF MY FLESH! You think I had the luxury of taking a hot shower with a pulsating setting back then, all while listening to JUSTIN BIEBER? THIS IS HEAVEN TO ME DUDE! I mean, me and St Paul just upgraded from Dial-Up and switched to Comcast from Prodigy, and now youre giving me grief for using Xbox live? I don’t get you man….I don’t get you.
[Samson shakes his head and closes his eyes utterly shocked at Tony’s willing embrace of presumption and entitlements, and taking privileged things for granted.]
Tony: …. My bad my dude. I never thought of things that way. I guess I assumed we would have the same frame of reference. My apologies. At least tell me you don’t have to wash clothes up here…I mean, I see youre wearing some 1995 Nike Air Jordans and all.
[Samson raises his right forearm and the back of his hand towards Tony, dropping his controller in the process in a gesture set to intimate a strike. Tony ducks and cowers.]
Tony …. Woaaahh, woooahhh. DUDE, DUDE DON’T TAZE ME BRO!
Samson: Boy I oughtta smack the…..
[Samson lowers his hand and picks his controller back up]
Tony: DUDE YOURE FREAKING SAMSON, KILLER OF PHILISTINES WITH THE JAWBONE OF AN ASS!
Samson [warning Tony sternly, and reducing his voice to a whisper]: shhhhhh!!! Pipe down, I live next door to one of the dudes I killed back in the day!!!
Tony: Look man, all Im saying is you is a pretty strong dude. I don’t want no parts of a beat down at your hands, ya dig?
Samson: Look man, I aint about that. I beat people up in Street Fighter 4 online….thats about it.
Tony [looking at Samson’s luxurious locks of hair]: I see you still keeping the hair tight! GET IT RIGHT, GET IT RIGHT – GET IT TIGHT!
[Tony reaches over and starts stroking Samson’s hair, which elicits a body slam from Samson and a brief moment of unconsciousness for Tony]
Tony [coming to]: ….what, what happened?
Samson [pausing the game again]: look dude, DON’T YOU EVER TOUCH A NAZARENE’S RADIO, I MEAN HAIR! Boooooy! You done gave me a Delilah flashback!!!
Tony: Oh yeah! That’s why Im here actually. I wanted to tip you off to my latest blogpost, son! Im writing about how you literally raised the roof on those Philistines after they gouged out your eyes….HEY WAIT A MINUTE!! YOU GOT YOUR EYES BACK SON! FAR OUT!
Samson [contemplating raising his hand to smack Tony again, but then reconsiders, seeing as though he just body slammed him for touching his hair]: yes I got my eyes back man. Jesus hooked me up! LIKE YOU SAID THIS IS FRICKING HEAVEN, LAND OF ALL THE AMENITIES! Oh yeah, I saw that pic you got with Rebecca St. James at her latest concert, son – good deal! Shes one heck of a woman. Her mansion is going to be TIZ-IGHT! Jesus informed me it might be one of the biggest He’s ever built.
Tony: bigger than mine?
Samson [welling up with uncontrollable laughter]: BWAAAAAAHHH, HAAAAAH, HAAAAAH…HAH! HAH! BWAAAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAA!
[The Archangels Gabriel, Michael and Raphael, appear and share in the laughter briefly then vanish again. St Paul and St John teleport in and out to do the same]
Tony: ……?
Samson: ahhhh man, that was funny. Thanks for making me laugh. I haven’t laughed like that since St. Jude tried to drive a car for the first time and almost crashed into the back of Jesus’ foot while He was welcoming someone into to their new mansion!
Tony [blushing and humbled]:………………
Samson: So yeah, what about this blogpost? http://thejesusmetaphor.blogpsot.com
right? Man Ive been reading your stuff. The only thing I can say is, dude lay off the anxiety about finding a babe dude. Up here you wont even be limiting yourself with women to that capacity. Spiritual love always trumps physical love son….even the exulted love one experiences in marriage.
Tony [rolling his eyes]: ….WHATever! Im gonna get me a hot babe and get my holy romance on son!
[Samson winds up to punch Tony across the room]
[The Virgin Mary appears and scolds Samson for harsh treatment of guests, then greets Tony briefly before leaving]
Tony [sticking his tongue out]: haaaa-haaaa! Nan nan a boo-boo!
Samson: Just show me the post!
Tony: Yeah, like I said its about your last moments on earth son, before you got to take hot showers and clip your toe-nails up here!
[Samson glares at Tony]
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