Its not that I desired not to write, on the contrary, I have been writing and transposing my thoughts, though only in my mind, on the pages of my thoughts. And then God was like "no, that’s not part of the deal here. I blessed you so you in turn must bless others." And truthfully I have been wrestling with a groundswell of emotions, both good and bad. Noble and ignoble, worthy and perverse. And I harbor so much guilt for the wrongs that Ive done, yet I effervesce at the prospect of being washed clean in the Blood of Christ in full retribution for my offenses. But I have always clutched hope fast to my bosom, and never lost sight of the fact that I am His child, and I am Holy, and I do have a specific prestige in His sight and the sight of His Mother. But anyway, maybe Im digging too far down into the weeds of subjective thought for my audience…you know, there are days when all I want is to fall in love and run away. Maybe with a girl like this:
http://www.delightfully-tacky.com, who seems so engaging and so compelling in her charm, and me in my smarm....lol. But seriously, I just want to run away some days, and entertain possibilities of never blogging again, only speaking to myself in silent soliloquies at night whilst I stare at my lovers’ shut eyelids, exhaling and stroking her cheeks. Notwithstanding, life presses upon people and duty duly derides any of my flights of fancy. I must blog, and I must channel Jeremiah with a fire shut up in my bones. And I must empathize with this woman, this slattern caught in the act of adultery.
For I am her, I was her, and Jesus set both of us free. Those who would condemn me read what Jesus wrote in the ground – wait, indecipherable to you, but written on the souls of all those who have moved on. Mary, Holy Mother pray for me as I write, that I may capture every emotion the woman in question felt during the ordeal mentioned in the Gospels. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
--------------/Slattern: The Thoughts Of The Woman Caught In Adultery, Jesus Scribbling In The SandThe lamb is dead
Slaughtered
by wolves of her own doing, famished and
hungered by the barren conditions of a patriarchal
society that renders justice by rending half of a whole
(with some difficulty since I was being laid on)
guilty party and exposing her breasts
to a menagerie mob of one third salacious men envious
one third pretentious, and one third up in arms as a decoy
for their own darkness
all gathering stones they hold macabre dreams of dodging
filled with guilt, waking with remorse
(beneath a morning sky and on morning dew they shame)
then seeking a lamb to devour so as to appease justice
albeit misappropriated, [they should devour themselves]
howling, just like I howl – drooling just like I drool
for a tourniquet futilely
because we bleed from our souls, and at some point the wound
gaped and the blood became so porous that I wanted
violation, to seek a man married and seduce him
and have sex with him time and time again
each session proportionate to the number of his children
(and afterwards I would have sought out man after man after man)
fully aware of my actions, yet fully indignant and all fully
deleterious wanting to inflict pain on all (the world) in the exact measure
I was fully affected
by the injustice of being a woman in an empire in which corrupt men
kill innocent children, raze pacifist rural towns and laugh haughtily
raping
and where pagan women can be sexier than Jew girls liberated
from the worry of finger pointing from shrewd shrews
and overbearing laws implemented by avaricious old men who
never have to deal with them
and the wandering eyes of men whom they wish to marry
by a father who never sympathized
or spent time with his "little queen"
by the unrelenting social humiliation of kowtowing to foreigners
arrogance as glaring as the sun's reflection on their spears
who would wilt under the sword of our Father King David
indubitably////....worthless Philistines....
and Samson was at fault too, not just Delilah – if only he refrained
from senseless frivolity and hookers
because life isn't about veneration and sanctity, its about cheap hookers
scandalizing the world, their names written in stone
all other women's on frail parchment.
Screaming as they yanked me, lugged into the public square
crying
victimized "baaaaaa"
frustrated. Afraid of dying, petrified by all the wrong Id done
yet somehow saved by Justice scribbling in the sand
L-I-O-N (prophecy)
baffling those who besieged us, and exposing certain insecurities
of those crooked men
that like I said before, didn't want unearthed
and Justice spoke like I wanted a man to speak all my life
like I had been waiting for my father to address me
full of truth, bereft of guile
and fair unlike most. Defending his daughter
His Gaze of forgiveness married me
and chased away the rebellious slattern within
he taught me Im the victim when I seek to victimize
and that a woman has her own strength
I know my sins seek penance, and I have wives' with which
to make amends, for sure the hardest aspect of healing
But what I have now, covered by the cloak one of my accusers
tossed me, teary eyed and sorrowful for the trouble he incurred
is hope, and a new beginning.
That the old unfair wounds of the world
for now might be incurable, I have to live with
(Heaven's the cure, love the ultimate gatekeeper)
but the mending of my broken heart can change my world broken
and grant inner peace,
which I can give to all those fallen that beset me
those issues unresolved I must leave behind as I inherit my next life,
my moaning and grousing about the plight of paradise lost
must translate into roaring: for mercy, truth and lawfulness
and the recognition
that therein lies the true beauty of a woman
to rise up above the gender, social, and political disparities not
playing the lamb to slink like a wolf
but roaring about Eden gained, teaching all those I wronged
"to go and sin no more"
because it's when I am a lion, coginizant of who I am
that those who try and kill me
drop their stones
--------------John 8:1-11
And Jesus went unto mount Olivet. And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came to him, and sitting down he taught them. And the scribes and the Pharisees bring unto him a woman taken in adultery: and they set her in the midst, And said to him: Master, this woman was even now taken in adultery. Now Moses in the law commanded us to stone such a one. But what sayest thou? And this they said tempting him, that they might accuse him. But Jesus bowing himself down, wrote with his finger on the ground. When therefore they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said to them: He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again stooping down, he wrote on the ground. But they hearing this, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest. And Jesus alone remained, and the woman standing in the midst. Then Jesus lifting up himself, said to her: Woman, where are they that accused thee? Hath no man condemned thee? Who said: No man, Lord. And Jesus said: Neither will I condemn thee. Go, and now sin no more.
