I AM Barabbas; I AM Redeemed

"If it has to choose who will be crucified, the crowd will always save Barabbas" - Jean Cocteau

---------[The Thoughts Of Barabbas After Being Released In Jesus' Stead]



He told me to "never look back"
An empathetic glance
with eyes partially swollen, scabbed lips with traces
of dried blood – patches of hair from his head torn
flanked by Roman soldiers
but with a firm will and a spirit undeterred

"I will dance in pools of your blood when you die"
is what people usually tell men like me
rather, what I used to tell my victims. When you rape a woman
your heart feels heavy like black coal inside your chest-
you lose the ability to experience love
watching men bleed, in some sense, permanently impairs your vision
hencoforth all you see is insanity
molesting children erases your childhood from memory
implanting schizophrenia, paranoia in its place
(and it scares you)
For this, I am a pariah forever. meaningless, purposeless Jew
with a worn and conflicted mind:
abused and abusing
dead and yet killing
hard and engendering hardness all about
haunted and troubled
yearning for the empty cross I see on Calvary
from Pilate's steps
the only sanctuary a man has for a wasted life...

He told me "choose life so that you may live"
Before they took off my shackles
"I came to set the captives free";
Scum I suppose, like me
and I suppose now I can feel my heart begin beating
Tears welling
arms trembling and cold
approaching a crowd as numerous as the sand
inveighing against my demise; paradox
a killer released anxiously back into the arms of his victims
and an Innocent Man left behind
I feel I have to keep on walking, weigh further options
because the cross I once craved is no longer empty
and I think....no longer am I



(Im on Holy Ground now)
(Redemption)

--------------------------------
Jesus Before Pilate / Matthew 27:11-26
Meanwhile Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, "Are you the king of the Jews?" "Yes, it is as you say," Jesus replied. When he was accused by the chief priests and the elders, he gave no answer. Then Pilate asked him, "Don't you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?" But Jesus made no reply, not even to a single charge—to the great amazement of the governor. Now it was the governor's custom at the Feast to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd. At that time they had a notorious prisoner, called Barabbas. So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, "Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?" For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Jesus over to him. While Pilate was sitting on the judge's seat, his wife sent him this message: "Don't have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him." But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Jesus executed. "Which of the two do you want me to release to you?" asked the governor. "Barabbas," they answered. "What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?" Pilate asked. They all answered, "Crucify him!" "Why? What crime has he committed?" asked Pilate. But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!" When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. "I am innocent of this man's blood," he said. "It is your responsibility!" All the people answered, "Let his blood be on us and on our children!" Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.

---------taken from (http://ukrainiac.wordpress.com/category/mercy/)
John Stott writes in his devotional Through the Bible Through the Year about Barabbas, the one who was granted a Passover amnesty…rather than Jesus.

"It is hard to imagine Barabbas’s incredulity when his cell door was flung open and he was called out not to execution but to freedom. He must have stumbled out dumbfounded into the bright sunshine of a spring day. He was not only released but, in a sense, redeemed.

"Perhaps Barabbas also felt (as we do) the anomaly of his position. The one who had given sight to the blind and had laid his hands on little children was to be crucified, while the ruffian who deserved his sentence was to go scot-free. The apostle Peter referred to this topsy-turvy situation in the second sermon he preached to the crowd in Jerusalem. They had killed the author of life, he said, while asking for a murderer to be released for them (Acts 3:14-15).

"Christians see in the story of Barabbas more than an anomaly; we also see a parable of our redemption. For each of us resembles Barabbas. Like him we deserve death. But like him we have escaped death because Jesus died in our place. If curiosity drew Barabbas to Calvary (though this is purely speculative), perhaps he watched Jesus dying and said to himself, 'He is dying in my place.' Perhaps the sight even touched, softened and redeemed him.'

For whatever reason, I had never really given much thought to Barabbas — other than the fact that an undeserving man had been placed back on the streets again. When I think about the events of that day and put myself in the picture...well, it’s usually as a spectator from afar. I like to think of myself as someone who might have been a follower of Jesus even then.

I certainly never think of myself as Barabbas. Deserving to die and yet redeemed by the blood of Jesus. It's not a pleasant thought to think that within ME is that same potential...

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for paying the price. For being the perfect sacrifice. Dying so that I might live.

Truly amazing.

Mary, Clothed With The Sun....The Moon Under Her Feet

+
*dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, my Mother, my Friend, my Queen
*dedicated to Jennifer, the girl I am destined to never obtain but cannot cease thinking about

------The Thoughts Of Mary, Clothed With The Sun....The Moon Under Her Feet




You begin your life with thoughts of grandeur
but recant and reconsider in the chilling stare of poverty’s wrinkled face;
(grotesque)
dust clouds settling
on your bed mice scurrying
contentment, quiet and solitude – your lot and resignation
alongside hoping to age well
and marry well
and raise your precious children teaching them freedom’s path
from the vile clutch of travails
plaguing you in Galilee
garnering for them a better life with fingers
weary from carrying remorse
wiping tears...

Angels and Blessings, visitations
and messages from above
change everything --- make all things new
and me, for all generations.
And now these dreams cannot be contained, not in the Inn
for which there is no vacancy nor the manger
in which we slept. Cows, and sheep, goats and stray dogs
cowering in my presence now
insoluble light radiating
a heart pondering all these things
a girl wondering
where her normal life went

There are times in life when you close your eyes
just to take everything in
a sigh is the consummate act in which reality sinks
penetrates
saturating the senses until your eyelids open
you see the moon under your feet,
a crown with twelve stars about your head
illuminating heaven
and you laugh
even amidst red dragons, (having seven heads and ten horns)
that salivate for your demise spewing catastrophe
like floods
because you know where you came from
the squalid conditions, and crippled esteem to which you shall never return
because you know when a woman submits to the Lord
it is like the wings of a great eagle
rescuing her


(....transforming
....glorious)





------------------- Revelation Chapter 12------
And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars: And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered. And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born. And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne. And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days. And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. And when the dragon saw that he was cast unto the earth, he persecuted the woman which brought forth the man child. And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent. And the serpent cast out of his mouth water as a flood after the woman, that he might cause her to be carried away of the flood. And the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth. And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ.

---------Banquet of the Ten Virgins (Methodius) > Discourse 8Now, then, O Virgins, daughters of undefiled temperance, let us strive for a life of blessedness and the kingdom of heaven. And do ye unite with those before you in an earnest desire for the same glory of chastity, caring little for the things of this life. For immortality and chastity do not contribute a little to happiness, raising up the flesh aloft, and drying up its moisture and its clay-like weight, by a greater force of attraction. And let not the uncleanness which you hear creep in and weigh you down to the earth; nor let sorrow transform your joy, melting away your hopes in better things; but shake off incessantly the calamities which come upon you, not defiling your mind with lamentations. Let faith conquer wholly, and let its light drive away the visions of evil which crowd around the heart. For, as when the moon brightly shining fills the heaven with its light, and all the air becomes clear, but suddenly the clouds from the west, enviously rushing in, for a little while overshadow its light, but do not destroy it, since they are immediately driven away by a blast of the wind; so ye also, when causing the light of chastity to shine in the world, although pressed upon by afflictions and labours, do not grow weary and abandon your hopes. For the clouds which come from the Evil One are driven away by the Spirit, if you, like your Mother, who gives birth to the male Virgin in heaven, fear nothing the serpent that lies in wait and plots against you; concerning whom I intend to discourse to you more plainly; for it is now time.

John, in the course of the Apocalypse, says: Revelation 12:1-6 And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars: and she, being with child, cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered. And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born. And she brought forth a man-child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to His throne. And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she has a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days. So far we have given, in brief, the history of the woman and the dragon. But to search out and explain the solution of them is beyond my powers. Nevertheless, let me venture, trusting in Him who commanded to search the Scriptures. John 5:39 If, then, you agree with this, it will not be difficult to undertake it; for you will quite pardon me, if I am unable sufficiently to explain the exact meaning of the Scripture.

The woman who appeared in heaven clothed with the sun, and crowned with twelve stars, and having the moon for her footstool, and being with child, and travailing in birth, is certainly, according to the accurate interpretation, our mother, O virgins, being a power by herself distinct from her children; whom the prophets, according to the aspect of their subjects, have called sometimes Jerusalem, sometimes a Bride, sometimes Mount Zion, and sometimes the Temple and Tabernacle of God. For she is the power which is desired to give light in the prophet, the Spirit crying to her: Isaiah 60:1-4 Arise, shine; for your light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon you, and His glory shall be seen upon you. And the Gentiles shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising. Lift up your eyes round about, and see; all they gather themselves together, they come to you: your sons shall come from far, and your daughters shall be nursed at your side. It is the Church whose children shall come to her with all speed after the resurrection, running to her from all quarters. She rejoices receiving the light which never goes down, and clothed with the brightness of the Word as with a robe. For with what other more precious or honourable ornament was it becoming that the queen should be adorned, to be led as a Bride to the Lord, when she had received a garment of light, and therefore was called by the Father? Come, then, let us go forward in our discourse, and look upon this marvelous woman as upon virgins prepared for a marriage, pure and undefiled, perfect and radiating a permanent beauty, wanting nothing of the brightness of light; and instead of a dress, clothed with light itself; and instead of precious stones, her head adorned with shining stars. For instead of the clothing which we have, she had light; and for gold and brilliant stones, she had stars; but stars not such as those which are set in the invisible heaven, but better and more resplendent, so that those may rather be considered as their images and likenesses.

I Would Rather Fall on My Sword Than Abdandon Gwen

"What have you done?" asked Samuel.
-----[Gwen Stefani, Life Without You is a Battlefield of Philistines]------


Chariots, Charioteers and Soldiers mounting:
(as numerous as sand on the seashore)
is me without you, a morning without staring at your face
sleeping
I love you Gwen
Micmash was my haven, deep in my heart
for us to dwell, a place where I gathered hope and jubilee
by the thousands like men of Israel gather
a bulwark
against any obstacle of love that came our way
attempting to decimate our affinity
our bond
our amor
(never defeated)

Yet, the Philistine army is doubt I have always harbored
about us ever getting married, or even starting a family
and they assemble before hope and jubilee
making them flee
"what if you don't love me?" is Gad
"what if you don't need me?" is Gilead
there they go, nothing remaining behind
except widespread fear
panic
burnt offerings and fellowship offerings
and hasty decisions
to leave you and forge a new life
with more certainty

You told me to wait seven days for you
I would have waited nine
You told me to keep the pillow next to me warm
I slept across the entire bed
but the tears – and nightmares of you leaving me
are haunting
I worry too much about you, and that is where my love bled
...on Mount Gilboa
My armor bearer is my conscience
reeling
your absence, my malfeasance is too much to bear
I divorced you, and you didn’t even know
but I cant let doubt and remorse abuse me
My sword is my retaliation for all my wrongs
Gwen, I deserve death as a consequence for what Ive done
as does my conscience


(my memory is my sons – let death take them with me)




---------------------------------------
1 Samuel 13: 11-14"What have you done?" asked Samuel. Saul replied, "When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash, I thought, 'Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD's favor.' So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering." "You acted foolishly," Samuel said. "You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command."

1 Samuel 31:1-6
Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell slain on Mount Gilboa. The Philistines pressed hard after Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua. The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically. Saul said to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me." But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him. So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together that same day.

Jennifer....

JENNIFER, BABY....GOD I WANT YOU SO BAD. IT SUCKS TO REALIZE I HAVE TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU....

....And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful to behold. So David sent and inquired about the woman...
------------------[Jennifer....Uriah Was My Love For You]


You are death and destruction
obliteration, desolation
I was innocent as a ceremonial washing
hopeful on a rooftop...away from prying eyes, in the solitude of my own wistful thinking
before you seized me
and brought me into the chambers of your
royally
addictive
love
trembling in your presence, wandering in your green eyes
falling in love

Our future together was Uriah
on the battlefield chasing prosperity/
our life together. Me kissing you (running my fingers down your scalp)
I thought Ammon was his deadliest foe, blood soaking the grass
their spears impaling Jews beside him but
it wasn't in Rabbah, it was you in Jerusalem
sitting on your throne plotting his demise
the brief times we befriended each other felt like
being summoned home, but he couldn't rest
the battle to marry you was still being waged
and he couldn't sleep, knowing you still weren't mine
he would rather gaze at the moon
Holding stars in his hands
And sleep outside on the cold ground

Jennifer,
yet that wasn't enough to please you
you held me in your arms, told me to bathe and let me go
you took our future together and killed it
by rejecting me with the cruel sword of Ammonites
besides death, besides the tears
unbearable
my heart was pregnant with dreams, with wedding pictures
...and I think, I just had a miscarriage


.....selah....



-------------------------
2 Samuel 12: 1-14 (NKJV)
Then the LORD sent Nathan to David. And he came to him, and said to him: "There were two men in one city, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had exceedingly many flocks and herds. But the poor man had nothing, except one little ewe lamb which he had bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and with his children. It ate of his own food and drank from his own cup and lay in his bosom; and it was like a daughter to him. And a traveler came to the rich man, who refused to take from his own flock and from his own herd to prepare one for the wayfaring man who had come to him; but he took the poor man's lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him." So David's anger was greatly aroused against the man, and he said to Nathan, "As the LORD lives, the man who has done this shall surely die! And he shall restore fourfold for the lamb, because he did this thing and because he had no pity." Then Nathan said to David, "You are the man! Thus says the LORD God of Israel: 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave you your master’s house and your master's wives into your keeping, and gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if that had been too little, I also would have given you much more! Why have you despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in His sight? You have killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword; you have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the people of Ammon. Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me, and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.' Thus says the LORD: 'Behold, I will raise up adversity against you from your own house; and I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this sun. For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, before the sun.'" So David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." And Nathan said to David, "The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die. However, because by this deed you have given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also who is born to you shall surely die." Then Nathan departed to his house.